2016 Republican Handicapping, or the Short-Straw Lottery

As promised, below is my amateur handicapping for the race for the 2016 Republican nomination for President of the United States.  Again, the major caveat here is that I am assuming, because I am delusional an optimist, that the party has no choice but to move to the middle, so that informs my oddsmaking.

I would still vote for New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (I) in a heartbeat, but something tells me he won’t win (or even compete) for the GOP nomination. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood is Sincere

We get accused of a lot of things here at this little Dick Joke Emporium you’ve come to love tolerate. “The editors are extremely bright, handsome and talented.” True. “That Bowtie guy is a centrist Democrat; I think he’s putting me on.” VERY true, even if he doesn’t know it. “Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D is the hottest thing since sliced bread.” Yep.

But one thing you could never accuse the members of this site of is being insincere.

It’s a trait that we — all of us — share with our newly re-elected President, Mr. Barack Hussein Nobama Soetero Benghazi A-La Mutombo.

That was brought into stark relief last night, as I finally saw the video that had been flying around the interwebz for a few hours and is likely everywhere today. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Make Fun

You guys. YOU GUYS. Zomg.

Do you know how much fun it was to read the news sites yesterday? I had the weirdest Schaedenboner watching the guys from Fox News and a variety of other outlets eating their own. They were all “What was wrong with Romney?” and the answers were like “he was too conservative in the primary!” “no, he was not conservative enough in the general!” and “no, you fucks, he’s not relatable,” then “nobody likes him, and also too he completely ignored the minority vote and lost single women by like 37%! Also, he’s a douchenozzle!” And then they’d fight and Karl Rove would end up sitting on someone’s head and letting loose with a vicious fart. At least, that’s what I think happened next; my brain was melting because, you know, Fox News, so I had to change the channel.

RedState.com, our favorite (note: NOT favorite) blog in the whole wide red world was apoplectic, claiming that the GOP “let the Democrats choose our candidate” and that the Republican field this cycle was high quality. No, I can’t make this up. To the Block Quote!

“Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich –- were bright, attractive, and have compelling narratives.”

Seriously! Someone wrote that! And they were totally sincere and saw absolutely no problem calling Palin and Bachmann “bright and attractive”!

No wonder everyone thinks you guys are completely out of touch. You ARE completely out of touch. [Read more…]

What Does Four More Years™ Mean To YOU?

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As the editors of this award-winning* periodical partied the night away with upwardly mobile members of the Colorado Democratic-Farmer-Labour Party, we discussed how last night’s comprehensive victory was significant on so many levels apart simply from four more years of Kenyan Anti-colonial Soshulist Islamic Marxist Hitlerism in the White Haus:

  • The Tea Party has been exposed forever as the fraudulent fever dream of fanatics who belong nowhere near any kind of responsible office, and its continued existence guarantees electoral victory for Democrats;
  • The GOPee must come to terms with secular demographic trends and concede the fact that it can no longer be the party of old white southern men if it wants to remain a viable national movement;
  • When given (reasonably) well-crafted ballot initiatives, Americans on both coasts and the Rocky Mountain West spoke up in favor of civil liberty and against dogmatic puritanism. Over time, we may find that the decriminalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado may even be more significant than a second term for W. Barry Bamz; and
  • The coalition for civil rights is rising again, with great effect. The people of the Great State of Maryland took a great progressive leap forward by becoming the first citizens to directly order their legislature to grant equality under the law to gay and lesbian couples and families. Martin O’Malley, the former mayor of Baltimore and present governor of Queen Mary’s Land, was a pivotal figure in convincing influential black church leaders to come correct on the most pressing civil rights issue of the day. A newly minted progressive powerhouse, his national ambitions have surely become even stronger.

To-morrow, we will publish the thoughts of our contributors as to what four more years of Hip-Hop Barbecues in the White Haus means to them.

You should contribute as well.

Yes, you. Briefly close your browser tabs to RedTube, YouPorn, and PornHub and send ~200 words and a pseudonym to publius1981@gmail.com, for freedom.

*not intended to be a factual statement

With Our Tails Between Our Legs

Last night, those of you who tracked our live tweetcast on #DDPElection saw my optimistic side.  My call might have been reasonable given polling trends, campaign momentum, or exit polls, but I left out one major consideration.  Whether due to oversight or ignorance, I didn’t realize that the Republican Party had completely and utterly lost its fucking way.

To put it simply, we got whupped last night, in almost every possible way, and the results need to be a wake-up call to the national party.

National trends indicate that Obama’s voting coalition – blocs of primarily African-American, Hispanic, Jewish, female, and young voters, among others – delivered huge margins for him, more than making up for his deficits among white voters, seniors and men.  Romney seems to have made significant strides in many of Obama’s niches – namely Jews and young voters – but nationally, it can be argued that the demographic that doomed him the most were blue-collar white men.  These voters had huge impact in the Rust Belt and other competitive Midwest states – Obama’s so-called “firewall” and the source of much of Romney’s recent momentum.  (P.S.  I don’t think this momentum ever existed.  I feel pretty duped right now, especially after seeing the numbers expanding in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, etc.)  It’s clear that these voters did not view the economy as gloomily as we thought the media thought they thought it was, and perhaps that was enough to give Obama the gap he needed for the win. (Giggity.)

However, the economy is far from the Republican Party’s biggest issue. [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Rejoice

So. How’s everybody doing today? Everyone feeling lively and quick and definitely not hung over at all? Yeah, definitely me too as well.

Truth is, the faithful correspondents from Your Most Trusted Dick Joke Source® had a bit of a late night, what with all the nail-biting and the picture posing and the Gangnam Style-ing that happened over the last, oh, let’s call it 12 hours or so. Following Kenyan Usurper Barry Hussein Soetero NOBAMA’s glorious re-election to the highest office in the land, we danced and frolicked and wondered why we’d worried in the first place. We really had no reason to do so.

You know all that stuff about Lord Touch of Gray Mittens Hussein O’Romney being unlikable because he’s, like, a rich guy who holds down gay kids and shaves their heads to teach them a lesson and then fucking brags about it like some kind of… some kind of… guy who does shit like that? Know all that stuff about him being out of touch with REAL AMURRKA because his wife’s fucking dancing horse gets better healthcare than most humans we know? You remember how he said it wasn’t his problem to deal with half the fucking country? Yeah, that shit matters. [Read more…]

Tonight’s Festivities

Well, it’s been quite a day for us. Guess we’ll just turn in and call it a night. Maybe make some tea. Read a good book. Masturbate ourselves to sleep.

PSYCHE!

We’re totes going to be LIVE LIVE LIVE for the MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIVES UNTIL THE NEXT ONE®, and you don’t want to miss any of the festivities.

First things first: Our good friend and the only PhD on staff here, Mlle. Bébé Gottbach – Ph.D, will be live-blogging the events right here on this very website. Bring your cocktails, your snarky comments, and your huddled masses and join us for what should be a debauch-ariffic night with one of the finest live-blogstresses on the planet. And if you think I’m kidding, YOU BETTA ASK SOMEBODAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Secondly also too, Detective Bunk Moreland, The Bowtie and Magic Sam will all be Live-Tweeting the evening from our respective and extremely partisan parties across the Denver area; You may follow the updates and contribute by searching #DDPElection and by using that hashtag in your own tweets. It’s like you’re a part of the show, only not really because you haven’t given money to our reelection campaign so obviously it’s just like real Democracy.

You don’t want to miss this! Election results! Grab-assery! Dick Jokes!

You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only be using the EDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDGE!!!!1!ONE!!

What America Doesn’t Need Right Now

My dear friend The Bowtie published an editorial in The Pages Of This Fine Dick Joke Magazine, essentially making the case for one W. Mittens Romney, Lord Just For Men, based largely around the following premise: He’s Not Obama, And Therefore Better For America.

While I love and respect my dear friend The Bowtie (aside from his choices in British Footballing Clubs, American Baseball Clubs, and Political Parties), in the words of one Jeff Lebowski, “This aggression will not stand, man.”

Let us ignore for a moment the irony of a Republican voting for someone as a vote against the incumbent (given that we were mocked for doing just that in both 2004 AND in 2008), as well as a Jewish man voting for any Republican candidate ever, and focus on the content of his argument.

My esteemed colleague makes a good point when it comes to “what if” statements. What if Republicans hadn’t sworn to block any piece of legislation that might result in a second term for Obama? Well, the legislation would have passed. Duh. The only reason it didn’t is because Republicans refused to pass it. So, in the quiet words of President William Howard Taft, “LOL NO DOY.”

Unfortunately for The Bowtie’s argument is that it works against his man Mitt as well. [Read more…]

What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only… [Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Today Matters

And so. The end is here. And we must face the final curtain.

Today. The ads will end. And we can be assaulted instead with Christmas.

This season’s been long and distinguished. Distinguished like my Johnson.

And more, much more than this, I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyyy way.

I woke this morning a nervous wreck. Yeah, I’m ready, like you are, for the ads and the campaign to be over, but I’m nervous about the outcome. Sure, effeminate mathematics man-crush Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight has the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack HUSSEIN Obama with a 92% chance of closing out this bitch tonight, but I’m still a wreck.

Thing is, there’s so much at stake here. So, so much. That I take heat from friends and family for my political views, my cursing on this very blog, is something I can handle. It’s something I expect.

But I do it in the service of a larger idea. [Read more…]

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