Bet The House!

Oh man, gonna be a big weekend. As always, the records show the good teams and the bad teams, but unlike most years some of these “bad” teams are actually pretty salty, losing by few points each week and managing to hang tough when things start to get out of hand.

Not to ruin the surprise, but we’re taking a bunch of dogs this week, so if you play your cards right (and if the trends continue) you should be able to make some money off your filthy, disgusting bookie. Or as I call her, “Mom.”

On to the picks (Home teams in CAPS): [Read more…]

“The Big Steps Are Done”

While bored the other day — this happens a lot, believe it or not — I was reading a Grantland article on my phone, previewing the NBA season and the teams considered to be contenders, pretenders, or something in the middle.

Do I care about the NBA? Not particularly. But with the Nuggets expected to be fairly decent this year, one Vincent Casablancas and I have bandied about the idea of getting some tickets to watch the boys play ball at the Pepsi Center.

ANYway, I don’t usually read NBA news and predictions, but I did in this case (for the record, Grantland places Denver in the “Exciting Upside, Too Many Questions” category). One line in particular about the Oklahoma City Thunder stood out to me, relating to moves in free agency and how teams aspire to assemble their crew for each season. “The big steps are done,” it read, “but sometimes the smaller steps are hardest.”

Naturally, my thoughts immediately turned to football, and the Broncos. Because inevitably, that’s where my thoughts end up.

Like the Thunder, the Broncos’ big moves are done. Don’t expect a signing as splashy as Peyton Manning in the ’13 offseason; indeed, in the history of the league there’s never been such a big signing for any team. Reggie White signing with the Packers in the early ’90s is the closest thing we’ve ever seen to several teams pursuing one big name player, and thanks to the 24 hour news cycle now in existence, it was nowhere near the same scale of coverage.

Getting Manning was the coup of the off season. That was our “big move.” It didn’t signal an arrival, but signaled an intention: An intention to improve.

Now the tough part — making the little steps — begins.

[Read more…]

The Morning Wood: Not Waving the White Flag

Big weekend for sports, you guys. Lots going on and I had a great time, first watching my Grizzlies demolish the Golden Pandas of Northern Colorado on Saturday and then watching the first half of Broncos/Patriots before I had to go to a wedding. It was a special day.

But somehow, some way, after a game in which Peyton Manning threw for 350 yards, three touchdowns and no interceptions on more than 40 attempts, there are those who would call for the dreaded Tim Tebow. Proving once and for all that the internet is for nothing but fanbois and bedwetters, the threads sprung up almost immediately after Denver went to 2-3 on the season (playing maybe the toughest early-season schedule in the league), threads with names like “But… I thought Tebow was the problem” and “Sure glad we spent $98 million and got rid of that loser Tebow” and “I’m desperate for attention and John Elway is Dumb; the Tim Tebow is a martyr story.”

Far be it from me to make fun of the bedwetters, crying in their non-alcoholic beer and begging for a return to the three-and-out offense that was so effective that was mildly effective that helped us back into the playoffs going 0-3 in the last three games including a 7-3 loss AT HOME to the fucking Chiefs, but let’s get something clear right now.

If Tim Tebow was still the starter in Denver (and no, I can’t believe I’m having to write about this either), we wouldn’t be 2-3. We wouldn’t be 5-0, and would likely be closer to 1-4. With Tebow, we would have beaten the Raiders. Not in the fashion we did, where we repeatedly gave them swirlies in a dirty toilet and took their lunch money for four quarters, but probably in a mistake-addled three quarters followed by a fourth quarter where Tim plays TebowBall and suddenly pulls a touchdown out of his ass. Yee-fucking-haw.

To intone that we’re not better off with a better quarterback under center is just retarded.

Tebow fanbois, stop being retarded. That’s an order. [Read more…]

Chicken Little and His Morning Wood


So yesterday did not go as planned for the orange-clad warriors of the Rocky Mountains. While they didn’t get killed, they weren’t exactly “in it to win it” either, and for the second straight week they lost by six and watched their defense fritter away a shot at the ball with time running down.

Same as it ever was.

And as expected by Your Humble Correspondent, the nay-sayers came out in force immediately following the game, claiming (after three games, I shit you not) that the Peyton Manning signing was a failure and that it was a waste of time and money and — you guessed it — we set ourselves back 5 years (minimum) by shipping off Timothy Richard Tebow. All this despite Manning throwing for over 300 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions, and having several passes dropped by his wideouts.

/kills self

There’s a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is that blind Tebow supporters should probably be euthanized for the good of humanity and for the long-term intelligence of the species. Not even close to kidding. We’ve been around and around with the morons masquerading as pseudo football intellectuals using things like team wins to extrapolate individual roles in said wins, and when it comes to logic, they simply don’t have access. I’m not sure if it’s the Florida water, the Jesus Juice, or the scruffy beard and monk haircut, but something has gone haywire in the Tebow zombie brain, and it’s killing the will to live of everyone who doesn’t think Tim is actually that good.

Thankfully, the Raiders come to town this week, and it would be hella nice to get healthy with a win, putting us at 2-2 heading into @New England and @San Diego. If we can beat the Raiders and Chargers — who look eminently beatable after yesterday’s poopfest in their house against Atlanta — the Denver Broncos will be 3-3 after the toughest stretch of their 2nd-toughest-in-the-league schedule.

And while the schedule doesn’t get particularly easy after the first six games, it does get easiER. And honestly, easiER is all we can ask for. [Read more…]

What Can We Say About The Replacements?

Roger Goodell, to fans.


I’m not one to blame the officials for bad calls costing my team a game. Not now, not ever, because rare is the case when it actually happens (and because I’m not an inbred Ravens fan). Even in examples like Ed Hochuli’s missed call that helped deliver a win in week two of the ’08 season for the Broncos over the Chargers, Jay Cutler still had to take the extra chance and exploit it to score points to win the game. It wasn’t handed to Denver, even though it sorta was.

But last night… hoo, last night. What can I say about the replacement refs that hasn’t already been said about Lindsay Lohan’s vagina? They are bombed out and depleted; drugged up and out of their depth; a shadow of the unit we’d come to complain about.

Let me go on the record: These replacement refs are terrible, need replacement themselves, and if Roger Goodell doesn’t see that, he should be removed from his office immediately. Full stop.

[Read more…]

Morning Wood: NFL Opening Weekend

Well, friends, football is back. Some of us (me) were absolute gluttons for it yesterday on the couch, drinking up each game as if we were thirsty and wandering through the desert, and football was our water. Or something like that.

If I may torture the metaphor further, baseball season has been like the sun, beating down on us mercilessly, as we traversed our sandy soon-to-be graves in search of the shade of preseason football.

So, to wrap up a metaphor that I sincerely regret using in the first place, baseball is the awful sun, preseason football is like shade to a thirsty man, and then regular season football — featuring the debut of one Peyton Manning in Denver — is like water. Get it? Let’s just move on.

Peyton looked great. Missed on seven passes all night, threw for two touchdowns, was hit a few times and popped right back up, and in the end had a defense that won it for him when cornerback Tracy Porter picked off a Ben Roethlisberger pass and took it to the house to effectively end the game. OH, and then Von Miller grabbed two sacks and the D grabbed a third to finish off the Steelers in Denver.

Here are some thoughts: [Read more…]

Five In, Five Out: Casablancas Style

The NFL has achieved the dream of every professional sports league – unbridled parity. If the NBA had it, the Sacramento Kings would not be looking up and down both coasts for a new home. Should Major League Baseball ever achieve parity, the Pittsburgh Pirates wouldn’t be pursuing their first playoff berth since Andrew McCutchen’s fifth birthday, and if the NHL had it, people would watch. I will leave college football alone.

In honor to the well-conceived dreams of Peter Rozelle, Paul Tagliabue, and Roger Goodell, my five-in, five-out predictions: [Read more…]

Misleading Your Morning Wood

All three of our readers demand and deserve top-notch political reporting from The Daily Dickpunch, and with each new day we strive to make that happen. And if you’ll recall, The Bunk promised that if anything interesting should happen to happen at the Republican National Convention™ for Jesus®, we would cover it live when we wake up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes.

Well, something happened, you guys. P90X enthusiast, champion of austerity and the guy who pushed grandma off a cliff, Paul Ryan, Wisconsinite and Vice Presidential Candidate, spoke.

He spoke of President Barack Obama’s failed leadership, the promises he made to keep a GM factory open in Michigan (which subsequently closed), of the blame the President put at the feet of the prior administration, and then admonished him for not supporting a deficit commission report.

Wow. I mean, he really took it to the President on a whole host of levels, and really bruised him up pretty good. [Read more…]

Peyton Manning and The Death of Hero Ball

Resolved: You do not need a monster arm to be a quarterback in the NFL.

Peyton Manning has been proving for years that to be successful at the highest level of football, in the most popular game in the land, you can trade a cannon of an arm for a lightning-quick mind and a dedicated attitude. That’s why the wailing, sky-is-falling bologna coming from many in the media — looking at you, John Clayton — about his “problems throwing to his right” (fun fact: Peyton’s first touchdown pass and the long gainer to Lance Ball against San Francisco were both throws to Manning’s right; in all, he threw seven passes to his right on the day, and each one was a completion. The lesson, as always: John Clayton is a moron, not a professor), worries about his neck surgeries (despite the fact that the area is now stronger than it was).

Want to worry about the Broncos’ chances? Your best bet is to worry about their depth on defense and their ability along the offensive line. Because the worst case scenario isn’t Peyton’s head falling off and rolling around on the ground after a big hit. It’s someone crashing through the line and landing the naughty way on his knee. [Read more…]

Morning Wood: Let Me Be Your Fantasy

Had my fantasy draft last night at the home of another local celebrity blogger. Killed it, because that’s what I do. I’d like to have a bit better option at RB than I do (LeSean McCoy, Ben Tate, Peyton Hillis, steal-of-the-draft Alfred Morris), but I’ve got excellent moving parts at QB (Matt Ryan, Cutlerfucker, Andy Dalton and, hopefully, if my waiver claim works out, Russell Wilson) even though four is a bit absurd; I’m hoping to use one of them as trade bait in week 2 or 3. And having options is never that bad of a thing.

Otherwise, I got the receiver I wanted (Eric Decker), the tight end I mostly wanted (Aaron Hernandez, with burning hot desire for the Gronk), and well-slotted other players.

I feel good.

On with the links (because nothing is more boring that hearing about someone ELSE’S fantasy football team. My apologies): [Read more…]

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