The Morning Wood Recognizes The Gentleman From Kentucky

mitch mcconnell lolFriday, bee-yotches! Enjoy yourselves!

American Hero and U.S. Senator for the great state of Kentucky Mitch McConnell has, somehow, made the Senate an even more dysfunctional place than it was already.

“But how is that even possible Detective Moreland?”, says you.

“By introducing a bill weakening Congress’s power over the debt limit just to prove a point that Democrats don’t have enough power to pass it, getting outmaneuvered by Harry Reid, and then having to filibuster his own bill. Because he didn’t actually want his own bill to pass.

Because My Friend, the Tortoise from Kentucky was just grandstanding on the floor of the world’s greatest deliberative body.

Because Mitch McConnell is terrible”, says me.

John Boehner (R-Ohio) may be our first Coppertone Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, but he’s also a GOT DAMM LIBRUL and must therefore be burned at the stake with all of the other homosexual gypsy pagans. Burn him, burn him!

Jim DeMint, a U.S. Senator for the great confederate state of South Carolina will resign his seat in January to become the president of the conservative Heritage Foundation, known for advancing the policy proposal that eventually became NOBAMAcare, a diabolical soshulist scheme that will kill us all.

And you know what that means. It means a special election that Stephen Colbert will win, for freedom.

Heavyweight boxing hasn’t been relevant since the early days of Iron Mike Tyson. HOWEVA, middleweight boxing is in the limelight thanks to the electrifying athleticism of men like Manny Pacquiao (54-4-2, 38 KOs) and Floyd Mayweather , Jr. (43-0, 26 KOs).

Hey, maybe these two guys should fight each other! What’s that, Floyd? You turned down a $100 million offer to fight Manny Pacquiao? For a small fraction of that princely sum your correspondent would fight Pacquiao bare knuckled, blindfolded, with two hands and one leg tied behind his back.

/raises hands high

//makes a triangle with his thumbs and index fingers

///slowly brings his triangle down to his swimsuit area in honor of Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

Reality show zillionaire Marc Paskin lost his wife of 28 years to the ‘beetus back in 2002 and that’s sad, you guys. After ten years in the wilderness Mr. Paskin is ready to put himself out there but just maybe isn’t sure how to anymore, what with the radical changes information technology has brought to the dating scene, because Kids These Dayz, and their Internets.

His Lord High Hair Gel Mitt Romney’s friendly La Jolla, CA neighbor sure knows what he wants though. Mr. Paskin wants to acquire a Maya/Aztec/Inca Queen before Christmas, presumably so that he can have her stuffed in a box wearing only a bow and a smile and kept there indefinitely.

To learn more, take a drive down I-5 to the 28th Street exit and see the giant billboard advertising Senor Paskin’s love for Latinas, or just email A billboard! An AOL email account!! Good lord!!!

Karma is a Bitch!
It would be better if you didn’t take sexy digital pictures of yourself. The camera always add ten pounds, and it’s almost guaranteed that a loathsome troll named Hunter Moore will find your sexts and publish them on teh World Wide Web, for the enjoyment of sad sacks everywhere. However, turnabout is fair play. DDP co-conspirators and fellow travelers Anonymous care not for this Hunter Moore and have hacked his shit and leaked all of his passwords, log-ons, and even his social security number, for justice.

That’s good hustle, Anonymous. Keep that shit up, seriously.


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