Has The Morning Wood Got a Deal For YOU

Artist's rendering

Artist’s rendering

Your Morning Wood is nothing if not a dealmaker, people, so let’s be frank: when something comes along as good as this, we have no choice but to write it up and deliver it to your plate first thing in the morning.

I’ll back up. Have you ever wished to live in pristine wilderness and mountainy goodness? Ever wished you could shop within the confines of your own walled city? Need to find your chi in the backwoods of Idaho?

Do you hate Libruls enough that you’d completely cut all of them out of your life because they’re not nearly patriotic enough to be near you and your 8,000 Amurrkan flags, and would like to live a Librul-free existence?

Have I got a deal for YOU.

Welcome home, Patriot®. Welcome to your new existence. Welcome to Freedom and Liberty.

Welcome to Citadel.

There is a storm coming courtesy of NOBAMA and them Libruls, and of course you know that because you are a PATRIOT® and probably enjoy making ammunition among like-minded souls as well as hoping that a city magically springs up around you and your armory. You must enjoy Jefferson’s Rightful Liberty, the Constitution, long walks on the beach in the mountains, and Allen West speeches. Your dislikes should match theirs, and should consist of Libruls, Libruls, and sushi.

Can you wait until the storm comes to get away from that great scourge of your personal liberty, Librulism? NO YOU CANNOT, FRIENDS, for Glenn Beck says that NOBAMA and the other Communist Athiest Buddhist Muslim Usurpers are coming to your door for your guns and white daughters.

Reservations are now being taken for Citadel. Don’t be left behind. Let’s build some guns, give ’em to anyone over the age of 13 (REQUIRED) and put every citizen through a yearly shooting test. For Liberty.

Because it totally doesn’t sound like a cult. Like, at all, you guys.

Who’s Got The Herb?!
Congratulations, Washington State! Pot is officially legal in your state, though the Attorney of the US AMERICA that covers Washington State would like to remind you fucking hippies that it’s still against Federal Law and therefore in very bad form to smoke it in public, because that would totally put her in a fucking bind, man. Like, she totes doesn’t want to issue tickets or anything, because she’s TOTALLY COOL WITH POT, she doesn’t smoke it herself because she has asthmatic issues, but seriously otherwise she’s absolutely DOWN with smokin’ them tweeds.

Some folks in Your Humble Correspondent’s inner circle have wondered aloud in recent days if Colorado’s legality began today as well, and the answer is NO, you fucking pothead Bunk, Jesus.

Of course, you won’t ever be able to enjoy that legal toke in the Rocky Mountains, because…

It’s the End of the World As We Know It! (I Feel Fine!)
Bad news, you guys. Australia Prime Minister Julia Gillard has announced that the world is actually totally going to end on December 21 like the Mayans predicted. So have some sexytime with the one you can tolerate and let’s watch the fire and brimstone rise from the ground to swallow us all whole.

Secession!
Speaking of great Patriots® who totally don’t hate the US America but will TOTALLY leave it to save it, the Texas secession movement is still going strong. Someone decided to ask the question: CAN Texas actually secede from the union? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooo.

Sport!
The dumbest new addition to the NFL is the addition of Thursday Night Football, Roger Goodell’s latest attempt to show just how much he cares about concussion issues by making guys play on short rest and short recovery from minor injuries in the previous week’s games, but DON’T WORRY because they totally get more time before the game that follows their Thursday Night matchup so everything is completely fine AND WHY ARE YOU HASSLING THE ROG LIKE THIS YOU DICKS HE’S DOING ALL HE CAN FOR THE SAFETY OF THE GAME BY LEVELING LARGE FINES AGAINST LARGE MEN FOR PLAYING FOOTBALL THE WAY IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN PLAYED, GOSH.

Tonight: Denver @ Oakland Raiders. It shouldn’t be a close game, but I think with the short week, it’ll be closer than expected. The Peyton Manning-led Broncos are giving up 10 points on the road, and I feel like that spread is safe; the Raiders are just bloody awful. Broncos 42, Raiders 17.

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