The Morning Wood Is A Winner

Good morning and hello! Did you win the Powerballs last night? You did NOT win the Powerballs last night? Imagine my surprise at this surprising and shocking news! SURPRISEFASE.

Powerballs, in the words of Detective Bunk Moreland, is nothing but a tax on people who can’t do math and daydream too much. In short, he purchased three tickets.

Your intrepid correspondent, however, DID win. At life. And blogging. And your favorite dick joke/soshulist propaganda blogging site is always a winner. For you. For freedom. For links and liberty.

Poo-liticals!
Do you know who is not a winner? Besides you and your Powerballs, I mean. The GOP is not a winner. Not only did they lose the Presidential election to a known Commie pinko Afrikan atheist Buddhist, but they also lost a few seats in both the US American House and Senate, and are now on the run away from their patron saint of the TAXED ENOUGH ALREADY party patriots, former Muppet Mr. Grover Cleveland Norquist.

Further, some of them are actually agreeing with President Obama on tax policy. The horror! There’s a term for this: lack of party discipline. There’s another term for it as well: waking the fuck up. The assholes are starting to get a clue.

He may not have been a winner, but at least Lord Touch-of-Gray Mittens Romney was influential in this, the year of our lord 2012 right? What’s that, Gentleman’s Quarterly, also known as GQ, a magazine for men who are maybe a little metro but most certainly not gay at all? Mittens was actually the LEAST influential person in the world this year? LE SHOCK. The best line:

The only successful thing he did this year was embody every black stand-up comedian’s impression of a white person.

That’s good hustle! We shall call you “Mittensfreude.”

Celebritaints!
If you’re like me — and Allah help you if you are — you were just wondering the other day, “who is the Lindsay Lohan of comedy?” Well, we can call off the search. The winner is former pimp, fan of loud sport jackets and belt buckles and crazy person Katt Williams. I’ll give you a moment to compose yourselves.

LOLJets
They didn’t have to do this, but Communist rag The New York Times has decided to put all of the New York Jets’ gaffes together in one place. Call it a children’s treasury of wonderment and DERP.

Enjoy your Thursday, motherbitches. We’ll be back later in the day with more interesting things for you to read.

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