The Morning Wood Is So High on Tryptophan Right Now

Happy Gluttony Day, sinners!

Before You People gather to give thanks to Jebus for fried avian carcasses and deep discounts on crap you don’t need, check out these links for truth, justice, and the American Way™, Amen.

Were you under the impression that Kenyan Prime Minster B. Hussein NOBAMA won reëlection comfortably earlier this month, just as Intrade and the number-crunching geniuses Nate Silver and Sam Wang suggested he would?

Hahaha, you pitiful sheep. 

Remember, the state-level polling that formed the basis for those entertaining and surprisingly “accurate” electoral college forecasts was SKEWED, because it did not produce results that were favorable for Great White Hope Mitt Romney. Fortunately, proud ‘Merican Dean Chambers of Unskewed Polls corrected reality’s inherent liberal bias to reflect the will of the voters in Konservative Kandyland, the preferred alternate reality where swing voters know what’s good for them. Specifically: racism, homophobia, reduced regulation of polluters and megabanks, and increased regulation of uteruses (uteri?).

Lest you peasants think that Barry O’Bummer’s “victories” in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Florida vindicated the betting markets and polling aggregators, your correspondent is here to inform you that Unskewed Polls was right, you are wrong, and the black guy from Chicago stole the election.

For all of the damning “evidence”, head on over to Barack Ofraudo, the newest creation of the Unhinged Unskewed Polls people.

Chelsea Football Club, the plaything of corrupt Russian kleptocrat Roman Abramovich, is all but mathematically eliminated from the UEFA Champions League after losing 3-0 to Juventus of Turin yesterday. HD highlights here.

After a poor run of league results and his controversial omission of the misfiring £50 million striker Fernando “El Sexi” Torres from the team in scenic Torino, the hapless Chelsea manager Roberto Di Matteo was sacked and presumably sent to a salt mine in Siberia, from whence he will never return. His likely replacement is former Valencia, Liverpool, and Internazionale Milan manager Rafael Benítez.

Tomorrow, the most blistering rivalry in the National FOOTBAW League returns to Thanksgiving Day teevee screens for the first time since 2002 as your Warshington Redskeeins head to Arlington, Texas to take on the Dallas Cowboys, the Chelsea F.C. of the NFL.

As we know, the Cowboys only exist because back in 1959 their first owner Clint Murchison blackmailed the noted racist incompetent Redskins owner George Preston Marshall into supporting his bid for a team by buying the rights to the Redskins’ fight song “Hail to the Redskins” and threatening to never allow it to be played at a Skins game again.

That’s great hustle, Clint!

/smacks self on the ass, HARD

Ouch! In any case, tomorrow’s match is looking pretty tasty. A victory for them SKEINS would improve their record to 5-6, tied with the Cowgurlz for second place in the NFC East with plenty of time for the division-leading New York Giants to implode under the dead weight of Eli Manning’s tired arm. I for one will be delighted when Redskins quartered back and Copperas Cove, TX native Robert Griffin III unleashes that TEXAS SPEED on those hapless blue star-helmeted losers, for freedom.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: