The Morning Wood Has The Munchies

Happy Monday, you maleficent mooching mediocrities! Here’s everything you need to know:

Yesterday was a good day for the home-town heroes a/k/a the Denver Broncos FC, as they obliterated Philip Rivers and the hated San Diego Chargers 30-23 at scenic Sports Authority Field® at Mile High. Peyton Manning, who will likely be the first fetus voted into the NFL Hall of Fame, was 25-42 for 250 yards, three touchdowns and one unfortunate deflected interception that put the Whale’s Vagina up early in the first quarter.

Young Von Miller continues to be a menace to opposing quarterbacks, registering his league-leading eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth sacks of the season yesterday, causing two fumbles. If the Broncos can add to the depth chart at middle linebacker through the draft or free agency they will have assembled perhaps the stingiest defense in the league, which when coupled with the attacking stylings of P. Manning portends domination in 2013 and beyond. 

More immediately, the 2012 season is shaping up to exceed all but the wildest of expectations in Broncos Country as only a potentially tricky encounter with the Baltimore Shitbirds at M&T Bank Stadium® stands between Denver and a 13-3 record.

After Houston’s labored home victory over the not-good-at-football Jacksonville Jaguars, the chattering classes may begin questioning whether the Texans are forealz. In any case, the prime objective must be to end the season with a better record than Tom Brady and the New England Welkahs, the better to avoid having to play in lovely Foxborough, Massachusetts in January during a winter hurricane not at all caused by Climate Change, because Climate Change is a Myth.

In case you were wondering, Tim Tebow just keeps finding a way to win, contributing -1 passing yards and -5 running yards to the Jets’ 27-13 win over the St. Louis Rams. Way to go Timmeh!

Meanwhile, just outside Our Nayshun’s Kapital, the Warshington Redskeeins arrested their demoralizing three-game skid by pummeling the hapless Philadelphia Iggles 31-6. #BlackJesus put up his most impressive statistics of his young career, completing an efficient 14 of 15 passing opportunities for 200 yards and four (4) touchdowns, good for a perfect 158.3 passer rating.

Them Skeeinz’s recent problems on defense evaporated in the mid-Atlantic fall sunshine due in part to the inexperience of Eagles quartered back Nick Foles, who completed 21 of 46 passing attempts for 204 yards and two interceptions. I seem to remember Young Master Foles not looking especially good when his Arizona Wildcats lost 48-29 in 2011 to the Colorado Golden Buffaloes, who are now almost certainly the worst Division 1A football squadron.

Far from being down and out of the playoff picture, as recently suggested by head coach and motivational speaker Michael “Mike” Shanahan, them Skeeinz would be right in the thick of the annual dogfight to win the NFC East with a 9-7 record. Should they defeat the hated Dallas Cowboys in their hawt Thanksgiving matchup later this week, them Skeinz will be creeping right up behind the division-leading Noo Yawk Giants with a home encounter between the two sides still to come in Week 13.

Everything Else!

  • Things are heating up again in the Middle East as the Israel Defense Forces have resumed their occasional bombing of assorted brown people. The U.S. media is less than worthless when reporting anything about Israel, so kindly ignore them and follow the day’s events on the Guardian’s live blog.
  • Secession Update! Racists Patriotic Americans in all fifty states have filed petitions on the White House’s “We The People” website kindly requesting to withdraw from the Union. When your correspondent becomes Preznit 4 Lyfe, anyone caught signing such a petition will be sent to scenic Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for “reëducation”.
  • Hostess, the manufacturer of Twinkies and other fine baked goods, has requested a bankruptcy court to allow it to liquidate just before marijuana becomes legal in Colorado and Washington. Epic fail, broskis. In case you were wondering who is to blame for this, the workforce is unionized so it is automatically 200% their fault and not at all the fault of management that awarded itself a 300% raise as the firm was in its second bankruptcy reorganization.

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