NFL Picks Are Back, And They’re Ringin’ the Bell

They’re rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls yellllllllll

Hello and welcome to the picks for week 11 in the National Football League. Are we almost out of season? YES. Are we panicking? OF COURSE. Are we going to apologize for not doing last week’s picks due to either an unfortunate smelting accident or possibly just forgetting due to senility? PROBABLY and/or MAYBE.

Let’s get this thing started, because my posse’s on the side, they’re yellin’ “Go Vanilla. Go.”

As always, home teams are in CAPS.

I’m lettin’ the beat soak in.
It controls my mouth, and we begin.
ATLANTA (-10) over Arizona
Normally I don’t pick huge line games like this, since they’re generally not very interesting to watch, and I think of you, dear viewer, before I think of myself. I want you to enjoy picking games as much as I do, and part of that is watching victory come down the home stretch, around the waitress with the long and shapely legs (and atrocious face), and land right in your wallet as a pile of $20s. That’s baller, yo.

Anyway, Atlanta finally lost last week to a team they should not have lost to, and are likely extremely pissed off about it. Remember how, last week, John Fox was all like “No, it’s just another game, going back to the city I was run out of to play the team that canned my ass after giving me no resources and letting me twist in the wind”? Yeah, he didn’t believe that shit, and the Falcons will be out for blood as well. It’ll be close in the first half, but ATL will put the pedal down in the second and run away with it. FALCONS 37, Cardinals 14

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know.
Turn off the lights, and I’ll glow.
CLEVELAND (+8) over Dallas
I know, I know, I have a major hard on for Cleveland lately (bet you never expected to read “hard on for Cleveland,” like, ever), but I just don’t think they’re as bad as the majority of the league thinks. And frankly, the Cowboys beating up on a bad Eagles team last week does NOT a contender make. Give me a break. The Browns are just the sort of team that gets up for a big game with a name opponent and beats at least the spread, if not their opponent. Dallas will probably win (Nate Silver says so, probably, because he’s effeminate or something), but Cleveland will keep it close, and may well have a shot to win at the end. And then, this game will be the longest segment of the Cleveland Browns 2012 NFL Season Highlight, which they may or may not still make every year for every team. Probably not. CLEVELAND 24, Dallas 20

To the extreme, I rock the mic like a vandal
Light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle
HOUSTON (-15) over Jacksonville
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. Oh my. It’s funny because Jacksonvillains think they’re people. TEXANS 47, Jacksonville 1 (the refs will feel sorry for the Jags and give them a point for trying super hard)

Love it, or leave it, you’d better gain way
You’d better hit the bulls eye, the kid don’t play
DENVER (-8) over San Diego
When we last saw these two, Peyton Manning went all Peyton Manning on they asses in the second half, and absolutely dominated the outcome. It was fun to watch. Then ol’ Scrotum Neck Norv Turner went and yelled at the press corp last week after losing (their second of three games, and third of four!), which had to be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Normally, I’d say a coach getting that fired up would encourage the team, get them fired up, but Norval sounds too much like Barney Fife to get anyone excited about anything. Norv Turner could make porn boring.

Anyway, while I don’t think the Chargers are going to roll over, and I don’t love the eight point line in this case, the game’s in Denver after two east coast roadies and I think the Broncos will be fired up. I also don’t think they’ll come out flat like they did in that Monday Nighter three weeks ago. DENVER 31, San Diego 20.

Quick to the point, to the point no fakin’
Cookin’ MC’s like a pound of bacon
Cincinnati (-3.5) over KANSAS CITY
One team is reasonably good. The other could be argued for one of the worst teams of all time. The Chiefs fans in KC are actually planning a revolt, Arab Spring-style, and there have been widespread reports of looting at Pitchfork & Torches R Us. The Chiefs’ march towards the first overall pick and Matt Barkley (ahahahaha) or Geno Smith (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA) continues. Bengals 34, Chiefs 10

Shay plays on the fade, slicelike a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast
Other DJ’s say, “damn”
If rhyme was a drug
I’d sell it by the gram

That’s it for me. Enjoy the games, and let’s win some money.

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