The Morning Wood: Make Fun

You guys. YOU GUYS. Zomg.

Do you know how much fun it was to read the news sites yesterday? I had the weirdest Schaedenboner watching the guys from Fox News and a variety of other outlets eating their own. They were all “What was wrong with Romney?” and the answers were like “he was too conservative in the primary!” “no, he was not conservative enough in the general!” and “no, you fucks, he’s not relatable,” then “nobody likes him, and also too he completely ignored the minority vote and lost single women by like 37%! Also, he’s a douchenozzle!” And then they’d fight and Karl Rove would end up sitting on someone’s head and letting loose with a vicious fart. At least, that’s what I think happened next; my brain was melting because, you know, Fox News, so I had to change the channel., our favorite (note: NOT favorite) blog in the whole wide red world was apoplectic, claiming that the GOP “let the Democrats choose our candidate” and that the Republican field this cycle was high quality. No, I can’t make this up. To the Block Quote!

“Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich –- were bright, attractive, and have compelling narratives.”

Seriously! Someone wrote that! And they were totally sincere and saw absolutely no problem calling Palin and Bachmann “bright and attractive”!

No wonder everyone thinks you guys are completely out of touch. You ARE completely out of touch.

In the Republicans’ world, there is nothing which cannot be blamed on the LIBRUL MEEDEEYA ILLEET. Don’t bother looking at policy, guys! Don’t worry about shutting down Grover Norquist, the anti-tax crusader/fox in the henhouse responsible for the absurd idea that we never raise taxes on anyone ever, because LIBERTEE®. Your social values are WAY out of whack with most of America? NOT OUR FAULT. It’s the dangol’ LIBRUL MEEDEEYA BYUS!

Get a brain, morans.

More Schadenfreude!
When you’re in a close election, you end up doing all your work ahead of time to ensure that you’re ready for either outcome. Whether you win or lose, The Man Who Would Be President lives in an alternate universe where there were no questions, only mandates. And for a brief moment the other day, the awful occurred: A President-Elect Romney put up his transition website. /shudder

Of course, Captain Haircut/Lord Touch of Gray didn’t win the election despite millions and millions and MILLIONS of dollars poured into the effort for months and months. Well, that cash had to come from somewhere, and his millionaire donors are reportedly PISSED they got so little for their money. Obviously, because they want what’s best for America, and WHY WON’T YOU DARKS AND POORS JUST LET OUR GUY BE PRESIDENT NOW SO HE CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY GOSH.

Yesterday, we covered the meltdowns happening in real time (Thank You, Twitter!) from notorious wig-on-a-stick Donald Trump. What I didn’t realize was that Brian Williams openly mocked Trump on the election coverage the other night, and Donald, not content to be just another moron, decided to pick a Twitter-bicker (or “Twicker,” a phrase I just made up which will be on Urban Dictionary by the end of the week) with BriWi. This is not recommended. But another day of making fun of Trump? Thank you, Internets.

Also, some brilliant and wonderful person with a T1 Connection gave us the following: White People Mourning Romney. I suggest you take some time out of your busy morning to give it a look. You’ll be extremely glad you did.

To the victor go the spoils, and Ol’ Handsome Joe Biden will be appearing on NBC’s Parks & Recreation because he won. That’s how these things go. Which means he gets to stand next to Aubrey Plaza and possibly smell her neck, which is a long-held dream of mine. Sigh.

Just a reminder: Global warming is a myth, definitely not human created or worsened, so just stop talking about it alright you whiny-ass liberals? So sick of this crap from you guys.

That’s it for now. And if you missed our first-ever mailbag, HERE is that.

Oh! I nearly forgot! We will be going over 60,000 total pageviews for the blog today, so thank you all for reading, laughing, crying, sharing, and laughing some more. We could not have done it without you.


  1. See? I think you did find the only reasonable Republican in the country to write for you.

  2. Mlle. Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D says:


    Sorry, Bowtie. It’s one of the Lib membership bylaws. :/

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