The Morning Wood: Rejoice

So. How’s everybody doing today? Everyone feeling lively and quick and definitely not hung over at all? Yeah, definitely me too as well.

Truth is, the faithful correspondents from Your Most Trusted Dick Joke Source® had a bit of a late night, what with all the nail-biting and the picture posing and the Gangnam Style-ing that happened over the last, oh, let’s call it 12 hours or so. Following Kenyan Usurper Barry Hussein Soetero NOBAMA’s glorious re-election to the highest office in the land, we danced and frolicked and wondered why we’d worried in the first place. We really had no reason to do so.

You know all that stuff about Lord Touch of Gray Mittens Hussein O’Romney being unlikable because he’s, like, a rich guy who holds down gay kids and shaves their heads to teach them a lesson and then fucking brags about it like some kind of… some kind of… guy who does shit like that? Know all that stuff about him being out of touch with REAL AMURRKA because his wife’s fucking dancing horse gets better healthcare than most humans we know? You remember how he said it wasn’t his problem to deal with half the fucking country? Yeah, that shit matters.

It matters a lot, because instead of having a President that looks like an ’80s cliche of what “President as played by Ward Cleaver” looks like, we have the guy who actually knows real people. The guy who came up from nothing to build himself into a President. We passed on the guy who would say anything — and actually DID, even denying his own tax proposals and plans in a live debate — for the guy who has told us, time and again, that this was going to be a long, hard-fought journey. We spurned the guy from the party who spurns cooperation in favor of idealistic obstruction and went with the guy who has reached his hand across the aisle countless times only to have it slapped away.

You know, it feels really good this morning.

Even on three hours of sleep.

Political Wrap Up!
So, hey, about that live blog… sorry about there not being one. Detective Bunk Moreland and I spoke about it, but I could have sworn that he said our resident live blogger was on the case, but she wasn’t, so ha ha ha you people just had to read our live-tweets on your free Obama Phones while getting shit faced on toilet wine like Diane Sawyer. Woof.

Some inside baseball first: The Senate will stay with the Democrats (yay!) and the House will stay with the Republicans (boo!), so everything… kinda… stays the same. The Dems did pick up a couple of seats in both chambers, and as of this writing we’re still waiting on a couple of results to come in to see where we finally end up. But for the most part, expect a lot more of the obstruction we’ve seen for the last four years. I’m actually hopeful that without the premise of Barry Soetero seeking re-election, Republicans actually start working for the people instead of for their own political future, but I’m a moron, so. Grain of salt and all that.

Other stuff!
Gay Marriage passed for the first time by citizens’ vote in both Maryland and Maine, which is just awesome news. It seems people are starting to come around to the idea that everyone should have a shot at being happy. Weird. And WOO HOO LETS LIGHT UP THE BLUNTS YO BECAUSE LEGALIZED POT TOTALLY PASSED IN COLORADO (and Washington!) AND NOW I NEED A TWINKIE. You should totally buy stock in Twinkies.

Media Meltdowns!
One of the problems with going to one of these huge campaign party/rally thingies is that you don’t get to flip around to all the channels and see mostly Fox News bitching and moaning about the results, and that’s too bad because they melt down better than anyone, ever. Well, maybe not better than vibrating bologna loaf Donald Trump and washed-up crazy person Victoria Jackson. They also too had some word soup to share. And I’d bet dollars to donuts that they’re currently developing a plan to go to Hawaii and finally get to the bottom of that totally not racist at all birth certificate situation. Can’t wait for another bombshell fart in church.

Speaking of word soup, the Snowbilly Grifter Sarah Palin is “perplexed” about the outcome! I think she’s perplexed about everything really!

Nate Silver And/Or MATH!
Yep. Your super-smart math boyfriend Nate nailed it again, so the “he’s too effeminate” argument is out the window, as is the “statistics are for geeks” keeper. I mean, statistics ARE for geeks, but geeks are fucking smart and we should probably listen to more of them maybe.

That’s all for this morning. Be sure to check back later (perhaps multiple times) because we may have more words for you people.

Drinks are on me Bunk.

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