What America Needs Right Now

Today is Election Day in the land of the free and home of the brave.  Yesterday, you read my endorsement of Mitt Romney, but some of my friends told me that the post seemed out of place.  I figured it was just because Barack the Maleficent Magnificent has plenty of support in this corner of Al Gore’s Interwebs, but they made it clear that it was the tone and not the content.  Therefore, let me be the lone voice of reason funded by private equity earnings, not redistributed soshulist wages like the librul gents behind this blog.

As a moderate pro-choice pro-gay rights Jewish loyal Republican, I felt the need to come to my man Mitt’s defense.  Let me be clear – he’s not perfect.  He’s moved too far right for my liking, in deference to the all-too-powerful social conservatives in my party.  Like Michael Bloomberg, I would have been more excited about supporting Mitt Romney circa 2003 than Mitt Romney circa 2012, but nobody’s perfect.

As a kid, I was taught the expression “If your bubbe had baitzen, she’d be your zaidy” – for those who don’t speak Yiddush, this translates roughly into “If your grandmother had testicles, she’d be your grandfather.”  In short, don’t use the word “if,” because it means nothing.  This campaign has been riddled with “ifs” and these conditional statements don’t help the President at all.  If only President Obama hadn’t inherited such a large deficit?  If only the Republican Congress played ball?  If only the economy would grow faster?  If only, if only, if only…

Let’s say that you’ve been eaten at the same restaurant every day.  Everything is just how you like it – they make the Reuben on two latkes, the fries are crispy and the coffee is strong and hot (just an example from my favorite Jewish deli here in Denver).  One day, the restaurant gets new ownership and everything changes.  The Reuben becomes too runny, the coffee tastes like a donkey’s piss and the fries are saltier than Joe Biden on the midnight train to Scranton.  How long would it take for you to stop patronizing this joint?  In this day of competition and choice, you could find a new haunt in two minutes.  My point is simple – why continue to do something that you know isn’t working?

You know how the best defense attorneys are often former prosecutors?  It’s often a positive thing to have experience from the other side.  When Romney ran Bain Capital, he invested in China and sent jobs there.  You know why?  He had a fiduciary duty to maximize profit, because that was his responsibility as CEO of a corporation.  He was at his shareholders’ mercy and the low cost of labor made Chinese companies better investments.  As President, he would have a different set of stakeholders, so given how he served his Masshole Bay State constituents, I think it’s fair to say that he would protect American jobs, toughen up on all economic threats to our nation’s companies, and make America an attractive place to do business again.

On this Election Day, when we as Americans exercise the most basic democratic right, make a choice for America’s future.  Make a choice for a candidate who can deliver on the change he promises.  Make a choice to get America back to work.

Get out there and vote for Mitt Romney.  It’s what America needs right now.

Editor’s Note: Read the Magic Sam Rebuttal HERE.


  1. […] dear friend The Bowtie published an editorial in The Pages Of This Fine Dick Joke Magazine, essentially making the case for one W. Mittens […]

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