DDP Staff Endorses Four More Years of Kenyan Anti-Colonialism

[UPDATE: Sorry for the technical glitch. The full post has been restored.]

Good morning, anchor babies.

In lieu of the Morning Wood, we asked our vaunted staff writers to weigh in on the presidential election. No equivocating, no waffling, no “on the other hand”. We asked them point blank: Who is your choice, and why?

We asked our intrepid staff this vital question on short notice, because we are disorganized and (more often than not) hung over. They delivered in a major way. Please find their inspired responses below.

[Editor’s Note: Because this publication is Fair and Balanced™, we also reached out to our more thoughtful conservative friends for their final impressions on this Most Important Election Ever, Until The Next One and will post their responses throughout the morning.]

From my fellow Detective Jimmy McNulty:

While I think Obama’s made some mistakes in his Presidency, I also believe that electing Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan would be the equivalent of hiring your creepy uncle and his fratboy-douchebag son to repair your house while you’re away. You drive off, thinking you’ll return to find your somewhat-decrepit abode with a fresh coat of paint, a new roof and porch, maybe some fixed-up windows and stairs.

Instead you pull into your driveway a few weeks later and see the place burning merrily to the ground. “What the hell,” you yell at them. “I thought you guys were responsible contractors—you told me you’d get the place into shape! Instead it’s a pile of ashes!”

“We didn’t think you could afford the upkeep anymore,” says creepy uncle Romney, fixing you with an utterly insincere smile. “So we decided to take it down.”

“Well,” you ask. “What’ll you replace it with?”

“Don’t worry.” That smile grows wider, exposing rows of sharp white teeth. “We have a plan. We can’t give you any specifics, but don’t worry—it’ll work out. Trust us. You can trust us, right?”

No.

From our resident National Baseball, Basketball, and Politics Reporter Vincent Casablancas:

Mr. Romney’s undoing as a presidential candidate began well before he earned the nomination.  He blindly promised to embrace the political dreams of the radical right wing movement of this country, and in so doing, painted himself into an ideological corner that would garner very little popular support.  Sadly, his transition from right-wing ideologue to pragmatic populist has been widely accepted by the American middle, even though its development dates back no further than four months.

While the president’s record is far from flawless, it is overtly the better of the two real options provided.  Mr. Obama has led the country out of economic crisis, war, and draconian social policies that ailed the United States.  His efforts to extend health insurance to millions of Americans, protect the American auto industry, stabilize American banks, reform immigration policies, and extend protection of the constitutional rights to the American people are admirable.  Abroad, Mr. Obama has delivered a blend of strength and pragmatism that brought the Iraq War to its close and will soon do the same in Afghanistan.  Perhaps more admirably, he has refused to engage the American armed forces in any additional wayward military endeavors.  For these reasons, Mr. Obama should be re-elected to another term.

From the one and only Can I Be Frank:

Stick this in your pipe and smoke it: If you vote for Obama…and help us get him back into THE CHAIR, (‘cause I’m kind of afraid of what might happen if a prosthetic flipping fish takes that seat instead. Terrified actually, and so are my lady parts.)

If this happens, I will write you a nice little hunk o’ verbiage that you can share with your girlfriends or dude-friend’s MILF, and it will explain why it’s healthy and fun for her to take nudie portraits of her fine self. I’ll include a few tips on how to make these shots look amazing, even if you don’t know what you’re doing with a camera.

Yup. I will do this for you, if you do this for me. If you want her to show and tell these lovely lady shots…that’s all up to you and your clever rhetorical skills. BUT I will help get her camera rolling. IF you help us all protect our lady parts, protect our fragile upward swing of jobs that are miraculously popping up left right and center, protect a president that the Arabs don’t hate, and this is huge people.

And they will hate Romney. His kind of boot-in-ass aggressive pompous “lets get us some bigger guuuunz” approach doesn’t go down well with milk & cookies or Arab extremists. I promise. And I don’t want to have to start wearing my Molson Beer “I am Canadian” sweatshirt when I travel. That’s just awkward.

To the undecided: Please love my vaginal rights. Please love the good things that are happening. Please love a president that knows his policy and knows the waffle-ish policy of his opponent better than his opponent does. Please trust a former resident of the Middle East when I tell you, THIS IS IMPORTANT, and I will write up a cute lil’ article about a celebratory self-lovin’ session in front of the lens. Seems unrelated. But it’s not. It’s spot on topic: I love and respect and want to celebrate our lady-bodies and their rights, and so should you.

From our resident scholar and live-blogging impresario Mademoiselle Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D.:

My support of the President is much more a support of an agenda and a platform. I support health care reform. So does pretty much everyone, when it becomes personal. When THEIR child becomes catastrophically ill, or THEIR sister gets diagnosed with cancer before she’s even 30. These events make it personal, and people see it in a different light. As a cancer survivor myself, this changes the whole game. I’m not trapped in a job, unable to take a career risk or work at a small business (or start my own!) because my life depends on that insurance. I can buy it in the open market without worry that I’ll be deemed un-insurable because I got sick. That matters.

My best friend, all through childhood, came out when she was 16. She lost everything to be true to herself, and she suffered so much to be the authentic person she is. The love I have for her formed by opinion on homosexuality (and heterosexuality, for that matter). I can think of no greater dishonor I could deal her, and all my gay and lesbian friends, than to tell them that the love they feel for their partners is somehow not as important and beautiful as the love I feel for my fiancé. To invalidate them in that way… the idea is nauseating.

My family is a family of single mothers. A family of strong women. We’ve all fought hard to feed our children, to educate them. To ensure that each successive generation of this family was better than the previous. The ability to control our own reproductive health was the centerpiece of this. Before Roe, and the pill, the women in my family stayed in bad, sometimes abusive marriages, to give their babies security. Now we stand on our own feet, work hard, and have control of our futures. We won’t go back. We are half the population and we refuse to be owned. Our bodies belong to us. Not to our husbands or fathers, not to some politician or preacher, and not to the state.

These three issues are the most important things to me. More important that the economy. It’s hard to keep a job if babies keep falling out of your vagina, or if you’re stuck in an abusive relationship, or coughing up blood from untreated lung cancer, or contemplating suicide because your society tells you that the way you exist is undeserving of equality – that you’re not really welcome to exist here or have a loving marriage like your parents.

When I look at the candidates’ platforms, the party that supports them… I see a great divide. The Democratic Party is the one most closely aligned with my concerns on these three issues. What a delight that they also have an economic plan I think would be better for us than the GOP, and they don’t seem to have a problem with brown people.

That’s why President Obama has my vote, and my support. Because he’s on the same page as me. Because he’s got the things I most care about on his agenda.

From the lovely and mysterious XXX:

Four years ago, the old white congressmen of the G.O.P. were running scared of the black guy with the foreign-sounding name.  America had problems, but in their estimation the most pressing one was Barry. They knew very well that President Obama had the potential to be a transformative figure like Ronald Reagan and they didn’t like the sound of that one bit, because something something Kenyan Islamist Atheism.

So instead of doing Congress-y things like advising and consenting to the President’s various nominees or refinancing the public debt, they doubled down on nihilism. Because if enough low-information voters become convinced that government is intractably broken, then they’ll vote for less of it, bwa ha ha ha.

If you vote for Mittens Romney tomorrow, you will be rewarding the cynicism of the most self-absorbed opposition party since the 1840s. You’ll also be endorsing a party that is functionally racist and officially bigoted against lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgendered, and other queer people.

One day, you’ll have to explain that (very, very sheepishly) to your grandkids. So yeah, ponder that.

From long-time reader and first time contributor President Thomas J. Whitmore:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation.

We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

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