Week Nine Warpath: If Carolina Wins, We Lose

A Romney Supporter

If I was to tell you that there is an event that predicts the outcome of the presidential election with 95% accuracy, you would probably like to know what it is. ‘Cause then you can lay down some sweet parlays, and THEN you’ll be able to afford your medications when President Mitt Romney signs an Executive Order declaring Obamacare to be a white myth, like Larry Bird and Colorado.

What is this magickal leading indicator??

WELLP, it’s not some boring jobs report and it’s definitely not national polling of old farts who still have land line telephones. It’s not who “won” a series of televised “debates” and it’s not the unemployment rate or the average cost of a gallon of America’s national addiction (gasoline).

No ma’am, it is in fact the outcome of the last Warshington Redskeeins home game prior to the election. With only one exception, ever since the Boston Redskins moved down Route 1 to Washington the incumbent party has held the White House if the Skins hold down the fort at Griffith Stadium R.F.K. Memorial Stadium Jack Kent Cooke Stadium FedEx Field®.

“Surely that is just spurious correlation”, says you, feeling good about yourself because you remembered a concept from your college statistics class. Things were hazy back then, because you could drink a lot and it wouldn’t affect your girlish figure (which unbeknownst to you was in its glorious but fleeting prime, never to return despite the Zumba classes and the lo-calorie smoothies and the induced vomiting).

You will never regain the youthful muscle tone and soft, glowing skin of your co-ed heyday but hey, at least you retained some of the essential learnings for which Mommy & Daddy mortgaged their home, their futures, and ultimately their happiness, knowing all too well that child-rearing has strong and statistically robust negative effects on happiness and the expected length of a marriage.

Well, you are WRONG, MISSY. If them Skeeeins lose to Cam “Hey, nice laptop” Newton and the Carolina Panthers we are all FUCKED because it will portend a Romney Administration and, therefore, doom for America. (Sunday 1:00 PM Eastern; check your local listings)

“You’re over-reacting. Despite Americans’ deep-seated psychological need for an authoritarian, almost despotic executive, the presidency just isn’t as powerful as 30-second advertisements would have you believe”, you retort, having just read Slate.

CAN IT, POINDEXTER. You’re right, not all of us will be ruined by four years of Bain Kapital d/b/a President Romney. For example: Billionaires will continue to live the lives to which they are accustomed. And I will take advantage of my dual citizenship by moving to the south coast of Ireland to teach the history of the recently dissolved Second American Republick to freckled Celtic youngsters so that they may never repeat our fatal mistakes. I will be looking to take an American lass with me, so send your CV and measurements to publius1981@gmail.com if you should be so inclined.

But the rest of You People will be screwed, nightly, by the noted creeper Josh Romney. This will be the look on his face while he ravishes you:

Justify My Love.

Trust me people, THATZ NOT WUT CHU WANT.


  1. […] (-3) over Carolina As The Bunk explained well earlier today, there is much more on the line in this one than just the outcome of a football game between two […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: