How Did Scrooge McDuck Get So Rich? By Gambling on NFL Football

Scrooge McDuck is a longtime reader of the picks column right here on this very dick joke emporium. He knows well the wisdom of listening to Magic Sam, now on a hot streak of 18 straight according to a non-existent statistic that is in my head. 18 just seems like such a nice number.

Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, into a dry martini, and diving into a room filled with nothing but golden treasure that you’ve won from various bookies the world over. And then let’s say you send me a check for the heads up. Because America.

Time’s a-wastin’. Let’s make some cash money, honey. As always, home teams are in CAPS.

Denver (-3.5) over CINCINNATI
According to real statisticians, the Broncos are among the most efficient teams in the league, and the Bengals have struggled mightily since making the playoffs last year with two rookies leading the way. As is often the case, those two young players — Quartered Back Andrew Dalton and Wide Receiver AJ Green — have regressed a bit, but mostly the team just isn’t as good. Now, the Bengals are coming off a bye, which would worry a lesser prognosticator. I’m not so worried. Broncos will win this by 10, and it won’t really be that close of a game. Broncos 34, Bengals 24.

Miami (-2) over INDIANAPOLIS
Neither of these teams seem to make much sense. The Dolphins — who looked like they might be the worst team in the league during HBO’s excellent Hard Knocks series — in particular are a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, then dipped in chocolate and covered in nuts, sealed for your protection and sent to any 7-11 for mass consumption. The Colts are bizarre too, and could well find themselves in a wild card playoff spot. A year after being the worst team in football. Now they’re both 4-3 (what? Really?) and playing pretty damn good football. Ultimately, that Miami defense looks salty as hell, and I think they’ll find a way to give Andrew Luck some fits in the Colts backfield. It’ll be close, but I think Miami takes it. Dolphins 17, Colts 14.

WASHINGTON (-3) over Carolina
As The Bunk explained well earlier today, there is much more on the line in this one than just the outcome of a football game between two last-place teams. Thankfully for people who love America, the Panthers are just a really bad football team, and I expect to see Cam Newton sulking by the end of the first quarter in this one. Redskins 20, Panthers 13.

Sunday Nighter: ATLANTA (-4) over Dallas
Undefeated Falcons taking on a Cowboys team that dropped an absolute pooper of a game last week at home? Matt Ryan has lost precisely four (4) games in the Georgia Dome through his regular season career. Four of them. ! ! ! ! < That many. They’re not losing this game, and I’m shocked the line isn’t higher. Leave it to moronic Cowboys fans to bet heavy on their shitty team and move the line. LOL SMH. Falcons 35, Cowboys 20.

Monday Nighter: Philadelphia (+3) over NEW ORLEANS
Two prime time games in a row for the chronically overmatched Saints! How about that! Mike Vick called a players-only meeting this week to go over how the Eagles suck, why they suck, and how to find a way to address the suckitude that has invaded the Philly locker room (hint: it’s coming from Andy Reid’s giant, bloated ass). I think they’ll find a way to eke out a win on the road in this one, and that Saints defense is just the cure for an ailing Eagles offense. Philly 31, New Orleans 28. Note: LeSean McCoy, this would be a REALLY good time to get back on track and start playing like the guy I drafted you in the first round to be, you jerkface.

Good talk. Bet it all.

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