Burning Barns: Your Broncos/Chargers Monday Night Preview

Broncos! Chargers! Manning! Rivers! Dick jokes! Poop stains!

Exclamation points!

Tonight’s game will be a barn-burner. The over/under is 49.5, and neither team plays particularly good defense. The middle of the Broncos defense is soft like Charmin and the outsides of the Chargers defense are easy. Like Sunday morning (on Monday night). So if you’re a gambling man, put some money down and maybe pay down that lifestyle you already can’t afford.

Honestly, this game could go either way, but in either case it’s going to be one hell of a ride. The line on this game has moved, from -2.5 for San Diego a few days ago to a -1 for Denver in the last 24 hours or so, meaning action in the sports books must be awfully even. Denver is a road favorite, against a team they’ve gone 3-6 against in the last 9 meetings? Believe it, my brothers and sisters, for this is the age of optimism in Colorado, and we’re still “hoping” for “change” in our football team.

Hope that the Broncos:
Stop the run, for once, you fucking retards. Ryan Mathews is overrated, right up until he matches up with Denver. Then he becomes a tour de force, and has scored in each of his last three games against the Broncos. He’s also averaged over 100 yards per game, and is a threat to catch the ball out of the backfield as well. And though he was benched early in the season for putting the ball on the ground, given Denver’s wanton disregard for causing turnovers, there’s not much likelihood that he’ll continue to have fumbling issues.

Get off the field on 3rd down, idiots. Massive problem for this team so far this year has been stopping teams on third down, even on third and very long. Last week, the Patriots took a 3rd and 17 and converted it… with a run up the motherfucking middle. This aggression cannot stand, man. These Broncos have got to get tougher in the middle, stay in their lanes, and make the fucking tackle, you goddamn assholes.

Get some fucking turnovers, you jagoffs. Seriously. The Broncos are 28th in the league in turnover differential, and they’ve got Peyton Fucking Manning on the team. That’s not going to be good enough. Denver also has the best corner in the league, a quality passrush (when fucking Jack Of The River lets them do what they do instead of having them try to bullrush guys who are twice their size) and an aggressive scheme; they’ve also dropped about 329 interceptions this year according to a statistic I just made up. SO, vis å vis. Yeah.

Stop turning the ball over, you guys, and by “you guys” I mostly mean Demaryious Thomas because CHRIST ON FRIDAY HOW HARD IS IT TO HOLD ON TO THE FUCKING BALL, JESUS. Three weeks straight, DT has had a fumble. And for three weeks straight, he’s lost the fumble. Last week, it would have been a touchdown in a game that was lost by 10 points. The week before, it would have been a touchdown in a game we won by 30. It can’t continue.

Do these things, and the Broncos could walk out of the Whale’s Vagina with a win, a tie in the division, and the all-important early-season tiebreaker against their toughest division competition and a road victory, which would be their first of the year. So, yes, it’s kind of a big deal that they win tonight.

Lose, and they’re 2-4, just ahead of the Raiders and Chiefs, two games back of the Chargers, and facing an uphill battle for the division. Yes, the schedule gets easier from here on, but you’ve still got to win games in the division if you want to win the division.

Win. This. Game.

If things go according to my plans above, Denver wins in a barn-burner: 42-38.

Enjoy the game y’all. The Bunk and I will likely be making pointed references to genetalia on teh Twitterz, so you might want to follow @DailyDickpunch and @MagicSam_DDP.


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