Morning Wood Replaced by Morning Wood

Well, that didn’t take long.

Three weeks, 48 regular season games, countless fuck-ups, tons of hand-wringing, justification for bad officiating from the darkest corners of Afrika the internet and sports talk radio, excuse-making by the league, a South Park parody (more on that in a moment), and only one game where the outcome was decided by the referees and not the players on the field.

Whew! It’s over! (For non-sports fans — WHY ARE YOU HERE? — click HERE.)

This should be a celebratory moment, but I’d like to take a few seconds and just expand on an idea I had the other day.

Fuck you, Roger Goodell. Fuck you right in the pants. Fuck you up to your gingery fucking hair. Fuck you sideways with a chainsaw. Fuck. You.

While the owners are in charge, and we all get that, your job is to be the steward of the league and talk tough with both the owners and the unions to do what is best for the league. We’ve lost almost a quarter of a season in which there are only 16 games to begin with, because the refs you hired as scabs were not up to the task.

Shockingly, this will be what you’re remembered for. It won’t be the player lockout last year — you somehow managed to find your ass with both hands and get us out of that particular mess — and it won’t be the somewhat draconian measures you’ve taken towards “player safety/covering your ass.” It won’t be the severe fines for off field indiscretions. It won’t be the banning of celebrations in the end zone, taking away the last bastion of letting these humans express themselves as humans. It won’t be any of that.

It’ll be this fully avoidable shit show that YOU weren’t strong enough to stop. You hid behind Jerruh Jones’ skirt, peeked out from between Dan Snyder’s legs, and completely caved. “It’ll be fine,” you said. “These refs will do a credible job,” you said.

You lied. And while football isn’t life or death, the only people who think it is unimportant are terrorists and hippies.

Thanks for doing what you could have done three weeks ago. Dickhole.

The Links:
Did I mention something about South Park above? About how they completely eviscerated the replacement refs, the NFL, and Tom Brady and CeeLo Green (“I’m a huge fan of all of your sonG!” /dies) and Jim Rome? Well, they did. That totally happened. Here are the best parts.

Noted asshole and union-busting Wisconsin governor Scott Walker? Yeah, he supports the league and everything they’ve done this season… right up until those evil scab refs screwed something up for his home-state team. Cognitive Dissonance: Scott Walker haz it.

Mitt Romney is highly concerned about his slip in the polls nationally, specifically his slide in Ohio and Florida. AHAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING! Sir Mitts-A-Lot says it’s early, because there’s still 40-some-odd days until the election, so he’s got a ton of time to shore up his flagging base AND make inroads on a sitting President who doesn’t fuck up every time he opens his mouth. Uh, good luck, buddy. Fun fact: No GOP nominee has EVER won the White House without winning Ohio. Currently, a combination of all polls in the state of Ohio show Barack HUSSEIN O’Bummer, the Irish Muslim, with a seven-point lead. So, you know Mitt… you’re doin’… you’re doin’ gooooooood.

Remember when all the ladies got their lady bits in a tizzy because of the statement of Todd Akin, who is running for Congress in the mostly backwater state of Missourah? Remember how he indicated that “legitimate rape” was a thing? Remember how pissed the Republicans were that he would say out loud what they’ve been thinking in secret for years, thereby exposing their extremely backwards position on the matter to the masses? Remember that?

Yeah, well. Forget it. The GOP has begun embracing Mr. Akin again, because let’s face it: winning an election is WAY more important than doing the right thing or protecting women who have been raped. After all, if it’s “a legitimate rape,” the woman’s body “has a way of shutting that whole thing down.” Todd Akin is a moron, people.

That’s it for the wood this morning. The Bunk will be along directly with more, so check back.

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