Desperation In The Land Of Mittens Romney

Poor poor Mittens.

Seriously y’all, I actually feel sorry for the guy at this point. He just wants it SO BAD, and I doubt old Mittens has ever not gotten what he wanted, so this has got to be blowing his mind.

What blows MY mind is why Mitt Romney has become this flag in the wind. Why is Mitt Romney flipping on pretty much every issue ever, and every position he’s ever held, to get this nomination? He’s GOT it now. Why not go back to the guy that (badly) governed Massachusetts? He was a fairly centrist guy. This guy running for office now… He’s like Bella from the Twilight books. There’s nothing there, just a vacuum where a personality should be, and every crowd gets to pretend he’s them I guess.

And can I just say… this has got to be the WORST run campaign in decades. Seriously, can there be any doubt that the Republican party is on its last, wobbly legs? I’mma just toss this out folks: MARCO RUBIO. Sure, I think the guy is wrongitty wrong wrong, but if Romney had tapped him for the veep slot, he’d be winning right now. Instead, as of this writing, the RNC gave Romney a negative bump and was generally a bumbled, unexciting mess while the DNC was flawlessly (with the exception of that embarrassing vote to add The Jayzuss back into the platform) executed.

How can this guy be expected to run a country when he can’t run a freaking 3 day infomercial catering to people who’d lick his asshole if he was constipated?!

The sad thing is, there’s more to Romney than this. From every account I’ve ever been able to find, the guy is a devoted father and a doting husband. Sure, he’ll stick a dog on the roof of his car (he’s kind of an idiot), but he’s always put his wife and children before everything else. Also, he’s an actual Mormon. By this I mean, he walks the walk. During the primaries, he had many opportunities to distance himself from his faith. You know, make it sound like he’s a Catholic in name only? But he didn’t. He stood fairly firm on it (if a bit silently), but he didn’t distance himself, and I respected that.

My point here is… why isn’t THAT guy running?! He still wouldn’t get my vote because his party thinks I’m not all the way human, but he’d get a LOT MORE of the independent vote. And I think he’d get a lot more of the evangelical/religious nut vote. Certainly I think he could have gotten enough to allow him to choose Marco Rubio for a running mate, which might have gotten him Florida and a healthy percentage of the Latino vote. He’ll have none of that with Paul “McDreamy” Ryan on the ticket. The only thing that’ll get him is the Tea Party / I’m not a Republican, I’m a Libertarian who ALWAYS VOTES REPUBLICAN vote.

And doesn’t some part of your soul die just a tiny bit every time you see that stiff, nervous look on Romney’s face while he’s telling a blatant lie? Like this whole “Obama’s stealing from Medicare!!” lie they’re currently running on. Ryan can look his granny in the eye, tell her his plan won’t touch her Medicare, then have the whole thing taped and made into a commercial while she’s being deposited back in a gutter somewhere to dine on cat food. Romney goes all stiff with that nauseated smile and you just know he’s lying, that he never thought this would be the depth he’d sink to… And if the voter suppression tactics in the swing states don’t work, he still might not win.

So here’s what I think: All the Paul supporters should flip and vote for Obama. He gets another four years of, most likely, nothing (depends on how all the down-ticket elections do). After all, the Congress has everything by the balls right now anyway. Then, after getting a bag of electoral sand pounded in their collective asses, the Libertarians split off the actual conservatives leaving the GOP with nothing but the hardcore racists and religious nuts. With some work and funding (call the Koch brothers, they’re still around) the Constitution party (sorry, just puked a little bit in my own mouth) takes the GOP’s place in the two-party system.

Sounds like a plan to me!

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