The Morning Wood Has A Crush


She’s beautiful, well-spoken, strong, intelligent, funny, can throw a punch, has taken more than her share, and last night, she delivered the knockout blow.

Yes, we are crushin’. Hard.

I’m like thisclose to standing outside the White House in a trench coat, holding a boom box over my head playing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel, an idea which may get me beaten up or killed by the Secret Service. Probably both.

But I can’t help it anymore. Michelle, you so strong. Hey girl, if you ever want to leave the most powerful man in the world and be with a blogger in Denver, I totes can help move your furniture.

Seriously. The First Lady fucking KILLED it last night, you guys. I may well write her in for 2016, despite the significant lack of reminders of who built what and class warfare in her speech. She was just awesome. My Michelle doesn’t need that nonsense; she’s above it.

And if you missed it, I’ve got it for you here.

Also, I fucking love this photo. It’s weird; almost like they’re real people.

Jeah. I’m going to leave you some links, and then run though a fucking brick wall. Mmmkay? Mmmkay.

Apparently some other people spoke at the Run DNC last night as well, and were also very well received as my dream lady. Julian Castro, the Mayor of San Antonio, appeared and gave a rousing speech, though it’s unclear just how SOSHULIST his last name makes him. I’m sure the GOP will tell us later.

As for that GOP and their standard bearer Willard, Mittens of Romneyshire, His High Lord Hairgel, the attacks were fast and furious from convention speakers appearing on the dais. They hit on everything about the Romney campaign, from his anti-woman stance to his anti-poor stance, his record of opposing legislation to fix the tattered social safety net, to his back and forth principles when it comes to what he believes in and what he doesn’t. Turns out, Mitt is sort of a dipshit. You probably shouldn’t vote for him.

The DNC also paid tribute to The Lion of the Senate, the late Senator Edward Kennedy, with a video extolling his accomplishments. Then Ted reached his hand up from the grave and slapped Mittens across the face. Numerous times. For being a flip-flopping dingleberry. Because that’s what he is. Oh, you didn’t see that, either? Your correspondent has placed it below, for FREEDOM.

For the record, not everything in the Democratic platform is wonderful unicorns farting out rainbows and pixie dust/cocaine. Slate had an excellent piece yesterday on five flat out bad ideas in the Dem platform, and it is recommended reading. Generally speaking, you take the good, you take the bad, you take ’em both and then you have the facts of life. The facts of life. But with our current political climate, is there any doubt that we’ll just argue more over whether or not Barack Obama is a Muslim? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Item! One Million Moms are annoying trolls who are awful, unhappy people and wouldn’t know a good time if it was sitting on their face. That is all.

Holy fuck you guys, the NFL football season starts TONIGHT, with the Dallas Cowboys DERPing their way out of victory and into defeat against the Giants. I’m going to drink so much beer that I must eat fried food, and then I’m going to eat so much fried food that I must drink more beer, and then at some point I’m going to black out and piss in someone’s azaleas. All while sportin’ the biggest Orton you’ve ever seen.

Gonna be a good night.

Vincent Casablancas will be along shortly with his five-in, five-out column for the NFL season, and I’ll follow this afternoon with another. We might even get something from that lazy layabout The Bunk.

Heady times, bros.


  1. […] last week in Tampa, Florida, Ann Romney’s speech was written to a 5th-grade audience while Magic Sam’s crush Michelle Obama’s address two nights ago in Charlotte was at the 12th grade […]

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