We Built This Morning Wood

Yesterday, the brain trust of half of Amerika’s political spectrum gathered in scenic Tampa, Florida to answer the age-old question: How many saltine crackers can you fit in the Tampa Bay Times Forum?

On the first full day of its quadrennial orgy of racism, self-loathing, and suppressed homosexuality, the organizers of the Republican National Convention worked diligently to indoctrinate attendees with the mindless slogan “We Built This”, a series of monosyllables that should present relatively few cognitive challenges for the stars & stripes tee shirt-wearing, bald eagle-festooned masses huddled in a 19,000 seat taxpayer-financed hockey arena.

But what does this curious statement mean, this “We Built This”? What are they referring to? The quagmire in Iraq that killed more Americans than 9/11, wasted $1 trillion, and left something like half a million Iraqis dead? Yes, they definitely built that.

How about a near-default on the national debt which cost the federal gubmint its AAA credit rating, jarred the economy, and cost hundreds of thousands of jobs, for FISCUL CUNTSERVATISM? Yes, they definitely manufactured that.

The third leg of the GOPee-built balsa wooden stool is a political discourse where corrupt plutocrats are job creators, evolution is a myth, the orphanage is a better fate than having adopted gay parents, and women are incubators (but only for illegitimate rapes, you guys).

The Republican National Convention is silly and pointless. To be fair, so is the Democratic National Convention. If anything important happens [SPOILER ALERT: It won’t. – Ed.], you can read about it on this web site. In the meantime, if you are a glutton for punishment check out Gawker’s RNCee coverage, featuring lots of LULs and the peerless Hamilton Nolan killin’ it all the day long.

To the links, you plebeian scum!

In a masterstroke of marketing genius, The Bic Corporation realized that for six thousand years no one had thought to create a writing utensil that catered to the unique needs of women. Because of hysteria, females cannot deal with regular pens (or anything else, pretty much). However, thanks to the Bic Corporation we now have lady-pens! They happen to cost 70% more than regular pens. Please commence short-selling Bic stock, which is listed as BB on the Paris Stock Exchange, and be sure to read the hilarious Amazon reviews of these horrible implements of crass commercialism and misogyny.

REMINDER: Mitt Romney is white and was born in this country. That should be sufficient reason to vote for Mitt Romney. HOWEVAH, if you are still on the fence, maybe you should read Matt Taibbi’s epic takedown of Lord Mittens of Romneyshire in Rolling Stone, and then make up your own mind.

College football is around the corner, boyz and girls! I CAN’T WAIT for my beloved Colorado Buffaloes to be the doormat of the Pac-12 again this year, so I got season tickets. There are silver linings though. Like reminding the Colorado State Aggies of their proper station in life when our illiterate recruits crush their illiterate recruits at Sports Authority Field® at Mile High this Saturday at 2:00 PM Mountain Time (check your local listings).

And it could be much worse. Like being a football fan and/or an alumnus of a school in the (twelve-team) Big Ten conference, specifically an Ohio State University fan and/or alumnus. Because of the tee shirt pictured at right. Keep it Klassy, Buckeyes.


  1. […] Daily Dickpunch, and with each new day we strive to make that happen. And if you’ll recall, The Bunk promised that if anything interesting should happen to happen at the Republican National Convention™ for […]

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