Morning Wood: Let’s All Laugh at the Red Sox

Rooting for the Boston Red Sox is a harmless and quintessentially American youthful dalliance, like cocaine and conservatism. It’s all so exciting and new but the lustre eventually fades and all that remains is the inescapable truth: You have better things to do with your time than to engage in such frivolity.

For a brief period wherein Messrs. Theo Epstein and Terry “Tito” Francona ran the front office and dugout, respectively, the FACKIN’ SAWX did a passable imitation of a competent ball club, winning two championships and issuing regular beatdowns to the hated Noo Yawk Yankees. But all of that is over; Epstein slinked off to Chicago, Francona has presumably taken up a quiet life of hitting on younger women, and the Sox have re-occupied their rightful and historically accurate place below the Baltimore Orioles in the American League East standings.

At 57 wins and 60 losses in their 162-game regular season schedule, the baseball Wes Welkers are 12.5 games behind the loathed Yankees and 6.5 games out of contention for a Wild Card playoff berth. Should they finish the season with a losing record, it will be their first since 1997.

Yes, dear readers, it would appear that the wheels are falling off. Not for the first time this season, internal strife is leaking out to the Boston media that loves nothing more than to participate actively in Fenway meltdowns. Former Sawx General Manager Dan Duquette is drinking their milkshake from his perch in scenic Baltimore, Maryland as the GM of the rejuvenated Orioles, and Beantown’s greatest baseball servant Johnny Pesky departed this world on Monday, leaving behind a 60-year career as a player, manager, and broadcaster.

Many of the devotees of Pedroiah Nation are concerned that the Red Sox ownership has spread itself too thin after taking on the challenge of reviving the legendary Liverpool Football Club, an under-performing member of the English Premier League Brought to You by Barclays® PLC. This may or may not be true, but why don’t you try to explain the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy to Tommy from Quincy in between his sets of bench-pressing your underage cousin, and let me know how that works out for you.

To the links, young Padawans!

The sinister Kenyan Prime Minister Barack HUSSEIN Obama is trying to take away Medicare from the olds. Thank Gawd that the knight errant Sir Willard Mittens of Romney and his sidekick Sancho Ryan won’t let it happen on their watch, because we all live in Bizarro World.

The national approval rating for the 112th Congress has reached an all-time low: Just ten percent of Americans approve of our nation’s legislature. As has been demonstrated in the past by Senator Michael Bennet (D-Colorado), this percentage is below the approval ratings for the Internal Revenue Service and a hypothetical Communist revolution in the USA. The sad irony is that (almost by definition) most ‘Mericans approve of what their particular Representative and Senators are doing, but hate everyone else’s. And that is why Americans can’t have nice things.

In thirteen years of dedicated service to the people of his corner of West-consin, Congressman Paul Ryan managed to pass two (2) bills. That’s it. One renamed a post office in his district and the other changed the federal excise tax on hunting arrows from being a fixed-percentage ad valorem tax to a fixed 39-cent duty per arrow. THIS IS THE LEADERSHIP AMERICA NEEDS, JUST IN CASE PRESIDENT MITTENS ROMNEY IS FATALLY EJECTED FROM HIS HORSE, FOR FREEDOM.

Quoting Magic Sam: “Paul Ryan is the Tim Tebow of Congress. A completely manufactured persona of ability.”

Speaking of the Teebs, yesterday was Timmeh’s 25th birfday!! Did you hear? Probably, because it was the only thing ESPN talked about, all day. Is ESPN a symptom or a cause of America’s slide into idiocracy? Or both? Or neither? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

In other news, Magic Johnson’s birthday is today. Y’know, that guy with the hall-of-fame basketball career who won a gold medal on the Dream Team, single-handedly raised the nation’s awareness of HIV, embarked on a very successful business career and then paid too much to acquire the Los Angeles Dodgers? True, none of that holds a Mexican Jesus candle to the intangibles of the Tebow, but we thought we’d alert you anyway.


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