Morning Wood and Personhood

They’re back, you guys. And they’re totes bringing petitions for you to sign.

It seems the Personhood folks of Colorado, right wing nutjobs who care nothing for people already living who can’t afford anything, are back despite three defeats in three election cycles (or what’s commonly referred to as “a mandate” or “being soundly beaten like a fucking drum”) and wanting to force women into back alleys to get illegal abortions from Dr. Nick Riviera instead of having access to a clinic wherein they could get a safe, outpatient procedure.  Because FREEDUMB.

It’ll get on the ballot. We know that. It always manages to get on the ballot, even with the required 86k that it takes to get there. The Personhood folks say they’ve got 112,000 signatures, and of course there’s the matter of Republican Secretary of State Scott Gessler there to approve it on the ballot. Because of course he will.

(It should be noted that two Republican Representatives, Mike Coffman and Cory Gardner, have not yet voiced their support for the amendment as they both did in 2010. Threats are already coming from the Right To Life people, saying that if they backtracked, “they’d be shooting themselves in the foot.” Better than the eye, I suppose.)

But when the same measure failed in 2010 — 70% of the electorate was opposed to it — one has to wonder where the endgame lies for these people. They’ve been doing this same song and dance for ages now, it never goes over, nobody ever buys in, but they keep collecting signatures, keep running ballot measures, keep getting destroyed in the voting booth.

They’re like the Washington Generals. Common sense is the Harlem Globetrotters.

Look, I get it. If I was ever in the situation where my girl and I were considering an abortion, we’d have a very tough choice on our hands. But that’s the whole thing. It would be OUR decision. And that’s the way it should be, and it seems most people (to the tune of 70%, even in a socially conservative election cycle) agree.

I hate to be this cynical, but it makes you wonder if the Personhood folks put forth this farce every two years, raising crazy amounts of money in between, for their own good, not for the good of the “movement,” whatever that looks like. I don’t know that they are, I just know that’s what could be going on.

And that’s the best Fox News/Breitbart impression I can do. It’s an absolute killer at parties.

On with the links:
No wonder nobody votes for your Personhood nonsense, you Person-loving Persons. Pat Robertson is on your side, and the only people on his side are those who are extremely close to the end of Personhood themselves. Well, old people and the insane. Why did a white supremacist Christian walk into a Sikh temple and open fire? It’s not a joke, but the punchline from Robertson is “Something something ATHEISM.

Mexican Space Lizard/Robot Mittens Romney is still refusing to release his tax returns. I know it’s been said, many times, many ways, but this shit isn’t just going to go away on its own. I’m not sure if his advisers are telling him that it will, but it absolutely will not. And now, with the GOP establishment calling on him to release, and his double-down calling Harry Reid a liar, he’s really left with no choice. Even though Ann “Let You People Eat Cake” Romney says we’ve seen enough, and even though Mittens himself has said, on at least three occasions, “trust me, I’ve paid taxes,” thing of it is, NOBODY trusts you. Even the people in your own party don’t trust you. Release ’em. There is no choice. Now here’s 19 things we know more about than Mitt’s tax returns.

While attempting to protest General Mills (makers of Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, Dulce de Leche Cheerios and probably some other kinds of cereal too) for their “pro-gay agenda,” 65 year old Michael Leisner accidentally set fire to the lawn at the cereal maker’s headquarters in Minnesota. We have a word for that: Arson. I wonder if they’ll let him burn his food in prison.

Arrested Development, the favorite show of this particular columnist, starts production today on the fourth season (which will be released on Netflix streaming). This is because Cloud God loves us and wants us to be happy.

True story: I once wrote a speech for a class (this was in 6th or 7th grade) extolling the virtues of having American football in the Olympics. I was laughed out of the room for myriad reasons; the expense would be too great, the pros wouldn’t play, the risk of injury in an exhibition tournament is too great, and other countries fucking SUCK at football. Roger Goodell dreams the impossible dream, though, and has contacted the IOC about getting American football in the Olympics. Which is great news, assuming you want to see Cody Hawkins play quarterback for Team USA and watch us destroy a bunch of countries metaphorically “trying to find reverse on a Soviet tank.” Me? I think I’ll pass.

The Bunk’s future ex-wife, Alex Morgan, put forth a header in the 120th minute to send Team USA to the Women’s Soccer Final. Huzzah! We needed extra time to beat Canada, though, so sadfase.

Have a great Tuesday, and remember: If she doesn’t find you handsome, she should at least find you handy.


  1. Mlle. Bébé Gottbach, Ph.D says:

    Personhood huh? Awesome. Oh, the pro-lifers must be so pleased to know that abortion restrictions in Texas are getting bad enough that American women are crossing the border to Mexico and getting dangerous back-alley abortions. Well done, Jesus people! Dead women have lots of babies y’know.

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