A Modest Proposal to Safeguard the American Public, Brought to You by General Dynamics®

Dear Washington, D.C. Area MetroRail Commuters,

In light of the fact that ten thousand Americans are killed annually by guns, and moved to action by the appalling violence recently perpetrated against the people of Aurora, Colorado, the Board of Directors of General Dynamics Land Systems®, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the General Dynamics Corporation, has decided to engage Congress in a grassroots effort to safeguard the American People from further bloodshed.

To have an informed discussion regarding the safety of average Americans on our streets, we all need to acknowledge the following facts, some of which may be unpleasant:

  1. Whether the Framers of our nation’s Bill of Rights intended for unfettered personal access to firearms or only for gun ownership within the context of a national guard-type regulated militia is largely irrelevant to the hard facts regarding gun proliferation in America today. According to the Small Arms Survey of the Graduate Institute of International Studies, Americans own 270 million guns, from .22 caliber handguns to fully automatic assault rifles and every conceivable firearm in between. It is possible that America would be a better place having never allowed for the proliferation of guns and other offensive weapons, but as a practical matter there is no way to get there from here.
  2. In most situations of premeditated violence, a higher prevalence of firearms owned and carried by private citizens compels criminals to use ever deadlier weaponry, leading law-abiding Americans to demand yet more firearms. There is no endgame to this small arms race that is desirable from the standpoint of the general public safety and welfare.
  3. If the Framers intended for private arms ownership to be a check against tyrannical government in the age of muskets and cannonballs, even a nation of expert marksmen and women is no match for a modern government armed with tactical nuclear weapons, neutron bombs, and stealth aircraft. We would know, because we build most of it. It’s some really slick shit and you have utterly no credible deterrent to it. So, please just put your tri-corner hats and Gadsden flags back in the closet where they belong.

The employees and management of General Dynamics Land Systems take our mission of corporate social responsibility very seriously, and we know that your time is valuable so we’ll be brief. As an organizational unit of the nation’s largest defense contractor, we believe strongly that our unique expertise in arms manufacturing can be leveraged to secure the safety of ordinary, hard-working Americans on a daily basis.

Clearly, the best way to protect one’s self and loved ones from the epidemic of small arms fire in America is to wield armor that no gun can pierce. That is why we are proposing to build the fourth generation of the M1 Abrams tank as a personal armored vehicle (PAV). The PAV will feature quintuple-redundant layers of steel, ceramics, plastic composites, kevlar, and depleted uranium to shield you and up to one friend or family member from the crossfire with a level of comfort comparable to a golf cart.

In addition, should it be necessary to actively defend yourself from gun crime the PAV will come equipped with a 120 millimeter cannon capable of firing several types of rounds, including the M1028 antipersonnel cartridge which produces effects similar to those of a shotgun and is lethal at up to 2,000 feet.

The PAV will feature first-in-class fuel economy. With a curb weight of only 40.2 tons and a hybrid engine powered by regenerative braking, consumers will enjoy up to 5.0 miles per gallon in urban warfare environments, dropping only slightly to 3.8 miles per gallon when burning jet fuel on the open road.

You may be wondering whether tank proliferation is the answer to our nation’s perennial gun death problem. What if a PAV ends up in the wrong hands? Fortunately, PAVs are motor vehicles and will be insured and registered at every point of sale, just like your family sedan but unlike your family AK-47.

An additional benefit of the PAV will be the estimated 40 million new jobs created by rebuilding all roads and bridges in America to withstand the stress of continuous tank traffic and upgrading our retail fueling stations to include super high octane kerosene.

Given the enormous public benefit on offer from personal armored vehicles, General Dynamics Land Systems is seeking assistance from the federal government to re-tool our plant in Lima, Ohio to build the PAV. We estimate this will provide up to 50,000 new jobs, good honest work for hardworking American families. Did we mention “America” enough for you? America.

Members of the Dee Cee power elite, we can’t get this done without you. Please call your lobbyist and tell him/her to extort your congressperson into supporting Representative Herp Derpson (R-Ohio)’s amendment to the FY 2012 Department of Agriculture appropriations bill. Congressman Derpson is a leader who understands the extraordinary promise of PAVs and their potential to save thousands of American lives every year.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.




  1. GREAT IDEA! I’ll tweet a link to it today.

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