The Cockpunch: Cats Are Evil Edition


The Bunk is a man with two cats. I only mention this because one of his cats, the Douchebag Formally Known As Rocky, wakes him up every morning before dawn by meowing and — get this — biting his face. The Bunk continues to soldier on with this “house pet” in the hopes that one of two things will happen: either the cat will stop biting his fucking face to wake him up, or that Shitty Kitty will accidentally fall out of his second story apartment window, accidentally not land on his feet and accidentally smash his face.

Offers to move this process along have not received a response.

Sigh. Cats, amirite? On to the links:

You may well have heard about the awesomeness taking place in the Eurozone currently, where nobody has any money except Ze Germans, and they don’t want to share (I think that’s all that’s happening) [Ed. Note: WRONG]. ANYWAY, it seems the wage-earning class in Italy are offing themselves at a pretty high level these days, probably because of the austerity measures underway are destroying the will to live for those who can’t find a job (because of the awful economy). Here is where a lesser journalist might point out that these are the exact tactics the GOP are attempting to implement here in the States. I wouldn’t dream of doing something like that; I’ll just remind you what’s at stake in November, and hope to sweet undead baby Jesus that you can connect the dots.

Reagan appointee to the highest court is a dickbag, episode 938. So let me get this straight, your “honor”: You’ve set a precedent for years and years and years and years and years, and now, because health care for all is such a terrible thing according to your Tea Party buddies, you’re going to go against all those rulings you’ve made for years and years and years. Am I warm? What a dickbag!

In a related story, the Supremes may well hand down their verdict on universal healthcare (or if you’re a dickbag, “Obamacare”; if you’re being honest with yourself, “RobomneyCare”) today, so there’s all kinds of stories on the web about what so and so will do, who’s going to say what, and where they might say it. God damn I hate spoilers.

In more “America Is Just The Best Thing Ever And Don’t You Dare Say Otherwise Because You’ll Be Shunned Publicly And Possibly Called A Muslim” news, a study finds that the United States has 6% of the world’s population and an astounding 34% of the world’s biomass. [Ed. Note: USA! USA! USA!] Probably because we eat too much garbage, drink too much corn syrup-laden soda, and don’t exercise. As someone who has struggled with his own weight issues in the past, I feel I can lecture a bit on this particular point: STOP EATING FAST FOOD AND DRINKING SODA AT EVERY MEAL INCLUDING BREAKFAST, TUBBOS. Seriously. There is absolutely no fucking reason that you need to eat uber-processed fast food. NONE. I don’t give a flying fuck how busy you think you are; trust me, those TPS reports can wait until you’ve downed a salad instead of a double Quarter Pounder meal with large fries and corn syrup.

Uh oh. It seems that NBC chose not to air certain segments of midget porn enthusiast Bob Costas’ interview with Jerry Sandusky, and they were the parts where Sandusky FUCKING ADMITS WHAT HE DID. Gosh, I wonder why people are turning to blogs (hey, that’s us!) for their news instead of the major networks. What the hell was gained from holding back that segment?

And finally this morning, because it just wouldn’t be the same without some Tebowtards to kick around, I leave you with this story of a man who wanted to speak with Tim Tebow so badly, he called the police. No, I’m not kidding.

Have a good Tuesday, everyone.

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