Euro 2012 is Bread and Circuses for Peasants

Soccer fans

From the desk of J. Daniel Bateman, QC
Private Secretary & Legislative Liaison
By Appointment to HRH The Duke of Lancaster
Royal Crescent
Bath BA1
United Kingdom

19th June 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen, and I use those terms charitably:

At roughly 18:45 Greenwich Mean Time today, you will gather around your hand-cranked teevee sets to take in the last two group games of the 2012 UEFA European Championships, brought to you by Adidas, Cannon, Castrol, Coca-Cola, Continental, Orange, Telekomunikacja Polska, Hyundai-Kia, Carlsberg, McDonald’s, SHARP, and the Djarum Tobacco Company of Indonesia.

I, as a representative of your betters, cannot adequately express with words my delight at the news that so many of you colonists have re-gained an appreciation for football. And by “football”, I mean football, not that vulgar human demolition derby pantomimed in tights, shoulder-pads, and cosmetic helmets by minorities ill equipped for any station in life that does not involve inflicting traumatic brain injuries on one another for the entertainment of the masses.

As your imported Kenyan Prime Minister is fond of uttering: let me be clear. My joy is not caused by the relative elevation of your sporting preferences towards something more civilised. You are uncivilised creatures, and it it puzzles me that your tastes are capable of evolving beyond bloodsport and NASCAR. Rather, I am tickled that you are choosing to distract yourselves from the fact that you are wasting your lives lining the pockets of my employers. By all means, continue watching grown men play a children’s game when you should be putting kapitalists to death in the streets whilst singing La Marseillaise!

As I have mentioned to you before, deterring the plebeian caste from acknowledging the wholesale systemic theft of its birthright takes diligent, coördinated action. However, sport can lend a helping hand, and our combined efforts are made slightly easier when serfs on both sides of the Atlantic become transfixed by the same shiny ball, swerving through the air like a brand new, strategically obsolete, $143 million Lockheed Martin® F-22 Raptor towards its natural home, which is of course the back of whatever goal-net is being defended by the England National Football Team.

So here, let me help you on your merry way towards your self-selected extinction. Kindly do not pay attention to the war machine that now eats up more than half of the taxes you pay, or to the corrupt private prison-industrial complex that has expanded into halfway houses, and definitely not the decline of New York City into a racist police state. The world is a hot, crowded place, and we übermenschen would rather do without having to share it with mouth-breathers. Please continue watching your medieval, nationalistic sporting silliness as if the geographic borders drawn up 50 – 1,000 years ago serve any purpose but to ingrain you with jingoistic suspicion, the better with which to forestall the international socialist revolution that is your very last chance at a dignified existence, not that you deserve it.

I am the 99th percentile, you hooligans. May you all die at the hands of the Ukrainian police.

Yours in Christ™,

Dan Bateman xoxo

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