The Second Coming of Black Jesus?

There are some things about Our Nation’s Kapital (War-shington, DeeCee) that will never change:

  • Muggy nights in September, hanging out on the back porch whilst listening to the loosely harmonized symphony of crickets and locusts announce the end of a summer spent on an overbuilt swamp, followed by the perennial and deafening subtropical thunderstorm that slays the vernal and heralds the arrival of autumn (by some distance the most pleasant of the seasons);
  • The ongoing embarrassment to America, Congress, which simultaneously marshals an ever-growing share of the nation’s resources as inefficiently as possible and fails to push back against the accelerated post-Nixonian tendency of the executive branch towards opacity and the police state;
  • Epic levels of collar-popping douche nozzles practicing their love of date rape just north of the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and M Street, NW; and
  • Marion Barry, Jr., still tempting Congress to revoke the City’s meager home rule powers after all these years.

Maybe your correspondent should be less cavalier in this assessment, for there are also many things he thought would never change and have in the thirteen years since he left:

  • Gringos like me are allowed east of 16th Street, NW. Holy crap!
  • DeeCee’s municipal bonds now carry investment grade ratings, somehow, despite the City Council wasting at least $500 million on a baseball stadium for the Montreal Expos while the city’s native population carries sub-Saharan levels of HIV infection. Panem et circenses, you plebeian untouchables!
  • Climate change (which as we know is a myth invented by the United States Military and Marxist insurance companies) has caused the annual blossoming of the cherry trees at the Tidal Basin to occur in March instead of April. Quelle Horreur!
  • TEH BLACKS are now less than 50 percent of the Drrrty District’s population. What the what? Not that I care one way or another what this statistic is or how it’s trending over time, because race is just about the dumbest concept of all time (OF ALL TIME!), apart from monotheism… maybe.

And of course there are some things I am convinced will change but maybe not while my little life is still worth living:

  • The vortex of crime, broken families, and low educational achievement within a certain segment of a certain subdivision of the population, attributable to a handful of federal policies which are the bitter reaction to, and perpetuation of, 20th century racist paranoia;
  • The solipsistic desire for statehood for the District of Columbia that will never be realized, ever. Like reparations for slavery, except even more of a pipe dream. The artificial restraints on vertical growth in DeeCee’s built environment combined with large and growing amounts of income earned by people who want to live in the District will eventually make the tax base irresistible to the Great State of Maryland. The past is prologue, and the future is retrocession, people.
  • The South Redskins Will Rise Again!… in 50 years when Dan Snyder’s natural life ends and his digitized brain decides to sell up and move to Del Boca Vista, Florida.

I want to believe in the Shanaplan and especially Robert Griffin, because success for the Sons of Washington would be a solid nudge towards racial harmony in the DMV. From Hail to Old Dixie to the breathtaking bigotry of George Preston Marshall and its predictable on-field results, Jim Brown integrating the Redskins’ end zone to shitcanning Doug Williams, and from Jack Kent Cooke transporting the Skins to Ward Nine to the organizational incompetence that maimed Jason Campbell’s career, there’s not much reason for the black community in the District, Murrrland, and Occupied Northern Virginia to have much goodwill for the burgundy and gold.

Will #blackjesus be able to rise above the laughable state of the organization that secured his employment (monopolistically and illegally, if we are to pretend to live in a world that has dignity in it)? POSSIBLY. Will Dan Snyder milk the image of Robert Griffin for all it’s worth, appalling taste be damned? YOU BET.

Postscript: Your correspondent would be remiss in not mentioning the untimely death of Junior Seau, who did a Dave Duerson to (presumably) save his brain for study by those investigating the tip of the iceberg of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) in NFL players. As football begins to die out, which has been predicted by Tyler Cowen, Malcolm Gladwell, and Jonah Lehrer, standard economic theory suggests competitive American football’s talent pool will become less economically diverse and, by extension, less racially diverse as well.

Will this sharpen the attention of football fans to the considerable ethical problems posed by watching this barbaric bloodsport? Or will it desensitize them to the gladiators’ hastened deaths? This ‘America, man, so you already know the answer.


This has been another installment in the ongoing Race Week™ on The Daily Dickpunch. Send contributions and/or hatemail to publius1981 [at] gmail [dot] com.

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