Fappin’ in the First: Magic Sam’s Mock Draft

I hate to distract from the simply marvelous other football soccer coverage on this here magazine, but… you guys… The NFL Draft is tonight. Holy shit, you guys, I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to write something about one of the greatest spectacles in sports and/or the longest-running violation of American Anti-Trust law. It’s going to be an epic night.

The lights! The cameras! Chris Berman sweating profusely! Mel Kiper’s hair! Mike Mayock’s bizarre-ass, barely-audible-but-that-almost-makes-it-worse-because-is-he-or-isn’t-he lisp! Suits with 12 buttons! Suits with 15 buttons! Merrill Hoge and his Octuple Windsor knot tie! Suzy Kolber (I would hit it)! This chick! (Call me!)

Your intrepid correspondents will be viewing the first round tonight (which is simulcast on both ESPN and NFL Network, and probably on a Spanish language station too; I’m lazy and RAYCESS, so I won’t be providing that information. ¡Arriba!) at the home of one Vincent Casablancas, who in addition to writing strong takes about your Colorado Rockies, has a home properly set up for drinking and viewing television on Denver’s north side.

On the menu: Magic Sam’s Magic Ribs, simmering as I type this in a crock pot of their own juices, various accoutrements and barbecue sauce. For FREEDOM®. Garlic toast, beans and beer will also make an appearance. Gonna be sexy.

But you’re not here to be turned into a drooling mess at your desk by my domesticated prowess in the kitchen (if I could be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, I would. Sadly I’m forced to wear shoes at all times. Something something TERRORISM). You’re here to talk football.

So let’s get our sexy on. Presenting the first three rounds of Broncos Draft Picks, 2012:

Round 1 – Pick 25: Devon Still – DT – Penn State
(Please note that I’d rather have Michael Brockers from LSU, I just don’t think he’ll be available here. I feel that Still still will be.)
Good size, skill, solid at the point of attack, has surprising speed, and that’s just in the team showers in Happy Valley. He’s a playmaker who has been consistent in his role in the center of the Nittany Lions’ defense, which is more than we can say for several of his cohorts in the college game (chief among them, Dontari Poe from Memphis who had a ridiculous combine — running a 4.8 40 yard dash at 345 pounds — but who doesn’t show up on tape in games at all. Please don’t draft that fat, fast fuck). He’d be a solid addition to the middle of this defense, and should be able to rotate his rookie year with several other DTs, which should help his development.

Round 2 – Pick 25 (57 overall): Trumaine Johnson – CB – Montana
Is this a homer pick? In the words of Laura Bush, you bet your momma’s sweet ass it is! /finger guns
I’ve wanted a Montana Grizzly on this team since 1997, when I enrolled at Montana myself. But the fact is, “Tru” can play. He’s got great size for a CB (6’3″, 204lbs), excellent hands (former wide receiver), and can truck some fools when making tackles. No, his speed is not elite (4.61 in the 40); if it was, he’d be a top-15 pick. There’s much he can learn about playing man up and zone from Champ Bailey in Denver, and with his size and strength you can use him off the edge in certain situations as a pass rusher. Could also probably be moved to safety if his speed at CB becomes a problem.

Round 3 – Pick 25 (87 overall): LaMichael James – RB – Oregon
I’ve loved this kid from the get go. Smart, fast, patient runner who waits for a hole to develop and then explodes through and looks for daylight. Has the kind of breakaway speed that you don’t see very often at the next level, and would be a great complimentary back to Willis McGahee. This is assuming he lasts until the third, and I’m not sure he’ll be there at 87 overall, but if he is, you’ve gotta get this guy.

Now, are these picks going to be correct? Unlikely. For one thing, the Broncos (as far as I know) did not hold personal workouts with either Trumaine Johnson or LaMichael James. Not that workouts are the be-all, end-all for teams; in 2006, the Broncos didn’t work out Jay Cutler and wound up moving their draft around to acquire a whiney me-first guy from a shitty school. So, stranger things have happened.

Anyway,  enjoy the draft. If The Bunk and I can get the live-blog software up and running, you can come back here for dick jokes and RAYCESSM.

Well. Good evenin’, then.

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