Some Things We Learned from Barcelona 2-2 Chelsea

Last night’s victory for Chelsea on aggregate in the semifinal of the UEFA Champions League® was one of the great moments in the modern history of the competition and certainly the most historic achievement for Chelsea in Europe.

Although the mighty Barcelona was heavily favored in both legs of the semifinal, Chelsea managed not only to win 1-0 home but also to hold Barcelona to a 2-2 draw at the massive Nou Camp stadium, booking themselves a place in the final in Munich on May 19th. This match had it all: great goals, controversy, red cards, missed penalties, and an unrelenting Barcelona siege on the Chelsea goal that came up empty handed.

What did we learn, besides the fact that everyone should drop whatever they’re doing today and watch the other semifinal between Bayern Munich (who have an opportunity to play the final in their home stadium) and Real Madrid, who vanquished Barcelona in the league last weekend to end a truly miserable era of inferiority to their ancient Catalan rivals (coverage from 2:00 pm Eastern Time on FX, check your local listings)? Mostly that Barcelona isn’t very good.

I keed, I keed!

In case there was any doubt, John Terry is a twunt. It’s bad enough to impregnate your Chelsea and England teammate’s girlfriend, causing massive locker room disharmony in a crucial period of the league campaign and unsettling the England squad on the eve of the FIFA World Cup™. It’s another to be a terrible RAYCESST, abusing Queen’s Park Rangers’ Anton Ferdinand and being caught doing so on closed circuit teevee, leading to criminal charges because it is in fact illegal in Britain to say naughty words (note to self: never go to Britain).

The ensuing row over his symbolic captaincy of the England team caused then-manager Fabio Capello to quit mere months before the 2012 European Championships in Poland and the Ukraine, denying England the services of a proven winner in the Italian Serie A, La Liga in Spain, and the Champions League in favor (presumably) of ‘Arry Redknapp, a tax-dodging unintentional comedian. Thanks John… dick.

Mr. Terry’s status as England’s 2012 Miss Teen Twunt of the Year was cemented yesterday when he inexplicably put his knee into the back of Barcelona’s Alexis Sanchez, earning a red card and putting Chelsea a man down in addition to being down 2-0 in the match and 2-1 on aggregate over the two matches that comprise the semifinal. That Chelsea managed to nick a goal while down a man and hold on to win the tie should not distract from Mr. Terry’s horrible-ness.

Gary Neville is a wanker, but you already knew that if you are a fan of the footeh. The long-serving ex-Manchester United and England fullback is now a commentator on Sky Sports’s broadcasts and by all accounts does a very good job, enough so that for a minute there I almost forgot that he’s a wanker.

But when occasional footballer Fernando Torres broke the backs of the Barcelona players and put the game beyond their reach with a breakaway goal in the 90th minute, Herr Neville unleashed a goal-gasm on live television, a true moan for the ages.

Ohh Gary.

Fernando Torres is still a goalscorer, although it helps when you have about 60 yards of space and only the goalkeeper to beat. Your correspondent has always thought that Señor Torres (a/k/a El Sexi) was unjustly vilified by myopic Liverpool fans after his departure to Chelsea so, despite wanting Barcelona to win, it was nice to see Torres back on the scoresheet.

And now for something we didn’t learn: who the hell will be in Chelsea’s starting eleven for the final? The London club will be missing two, and possibly three of its first choice defenders (Branislav Ivanovic suspended for accumulating yellow cards, John Terry suspended for being a twunt, and Gary Cahill maybe absent through injury) and two of its top midfielders (the chronically underrated Raul Meireles and Ramires, who took Chelsea’s first goal with a wonderful first-time chip over the despairing Victor Valdes, both suspended for accumulating yellow cards).

Stay tuned for The Bunk’s reaction to the second leg of Real Madrid-Bayern Munich.


  1. William Byrne says:

    I relearnt how good a goalkeeper Petr Cech is.

  2. I learnt the Guardiolas head gets more shiny every time I see it and di Matteo probably isn’t real

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