Santorum Post-mortem: In Pace Requiescat

Don't zoom in.

Dear Rick,

On behalf of comic writers everywhere, thanks for running such a stellar campaign. I have some constructive feedback for you! Your speech in quotes.

Yours in Christ™,

The Bunk xoxo

This is an historic moment. It’s always an honor to be in this beautiful town of Gettysburg. It’s such a historic town. 

Ah yes, yes of course. Go to your home state and find the place with the best symbolic effect from which to declay-uh defeat (although doesn’t this mean you’re General Lee, metaphorically speaking??). Better that than being stomped in your home state’s primary by the Noted Equestrian W. Mittens Romney. But what will be the scenic backdrop for the next time you flame out, which you surely will? Your correspondent humbly suggests Three Mile Island.

I like that you and your comrades in the “pro-life” bowel movement continue to conjure up imagery of the Civil War and the civil rights struggle. Keep implicitly comparing TEH BLACKS to unthinking, unfeeling automatons, that’ll get their votes! Party of Lincoln!

And I think a lot of concerns that we had that Karen and I had in particular for our family was that with what was going on in Washington, D.C., and all of the problems that you heard me talk about on the campaign trail, that American Dream was not just slipping from the hands of average Americans but for all Americans. That dream was slipping away. 

No, *your* dream was slipping away. The Amerikan Dream is already dead.

Throughout the course of this campaign, I talked about my stories and stories of our families. But after a while it became less about my stories and more about your stories.

He did it all for you, America! And you rejected him, like the jews reject Jesus. They will be punished in due time and so will you, with four more years of Kenyan Anti-colonialist Marxism.

Is one such story was a guy named Chuck who had a pickup truck and joined our team and drove us around in his Dodge Ram pickup truck for months on end and did so as a volunteer because he believed. 

Sucker.

He believed that we provided the best opportunity to turn this country around. 

Towards what, fascism?

I’ll never forget this fighter pilot. A man of very strong convictions, welling up and tearing up about what’s happening with our country, particularly with national security. 

Keep pandering to the war machine, Rick. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

And laying out not a thee-legged stool of Ronald Reagan but a four-legged tool with the Constitution being one of those vitally important legs that we had forgotten about.

Are you suggesting Ronald Raygun hates the Constitution?

Wendy Jensen, our best volunteer, 5,000 phone calls. A few days before the primary, because she was someone dealing with a disability, dealing with an illness, she passed away shortly before the Iowa caucus. 

What a waste.

But she was someone that I remembered her passion for the rest of us.  Those who are on the margins of society as many would have looked at her. 

That was almost Palin-esque in its indecipherability.

We were winning. We were winning in a very different way because we were touching hearts and raising issues that people didn’t want raised.

Like contraception?? LOLz

Our best phone call after Iowa was a young man who came to our first event in Oklahoma.  A young man in a wheelchair named Nathaniel, who had spina bifida, who wanted someone to speak about people who are overlooked by society or don’t seem to be as valuable as others in society. 

Like women?

We can’t have a strong economy without strong families and a strong moral fiber that makes us the moral enterprise that is America. 

Shut up. Free enterprise has no moral dimension. Furthermore, northern Europe has the weakest “families” as Cardinal Rick conceives of the term, but the strongest economies and the most highly functional societies. Soshulism WHAT

Even fun things like the sweater vest. Amazing thing, that sweater vest. It happened on a night I was doing an event for Mike Huckabee in Des Moines. 

The Huckster!!

Everybody showed up in suits and ties and I showed up in a sweater vest. 

Kill yourself, now.

And even today, we have folks working for us in Texas to make it a winner -take-all primary because they want to make sure that we have the best opportunity for Texas and for conservatives to have a voice throughout the course of this primary. 

This would ensure a One Thousand Year Democrat Reich in the White Haus, geniuses.

Miracle after miracle, this race was as improbable as any race you’ll ever see for president. I want to thank God for that and thank all of you across this country for what you’ve given. 

So lemme get this straight: God intervenes in political campaigns but doesn’t heal amputees, or spina bifida, or Trisomy 18. Oh.

Hopefully not just me and our family, but you’ve given a voice to those who are — in many cases — to those who are voiceless. 

WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FETUSES? FETII?

We tried to be a witness not just for your story or voice,  but provide a positive and hopeful vision, not a negative campaign. 

Hahahahaha.

We painted a hopeful, positive vision for our country. Not just economically, but reflecting the hopes of Americans, not just the fears of Americans. What we could do to counter violent, radical islam and particular the scourge of Iran. 

Wait, what?

We talked about things that maybe we should talk about more but they get shoved say aside in the public discourse. We carried around our copy of  the Constitution. 

The one where the first, fifth, thirteenth, fourteenth, and seventeenth amendments are ripped out.

Ladies and gentlemen, we made a decision to get into this race at our kitchen table, against all the odds.

Our kids had just handed our asses to us at beer pong. Never make important decisions when you’re drunk!

And we made a decision over the weekend that while this presidential race for us is over for me and we will suspend our campaign effective today, we are not done fighting. We are going to continue to fight for those voices. 

Specifically, the voice of Cardinal Ratzinger.

We’re going to continue to fight for the Americans who stood up and gave us that air under our  wings that allowed us to accomplish things that no political expert would have ever expected. There’s a lot of greatness in this country and we just need leaders who believe in who are willing to give voice to that, who are willing to raise us up rather than provide for us and do for us what we can better do ourselves. 

That’s the message that came to me and that’s one that I feel very, very good about continuing to talk to Americans about. I walked out after the Iowa caucus victory and I said game on. I know a lot of folks are going to write, maybe those even at the White House, game over. But this game is a long, long way from over. We’re going to continue to fight to make sure we defeat President Barack Obama, that we win the House back and that we take the United States Senate and we stand for the values that make us Americans, that make us the greatest country in the history of the world, that shining city on the hill, to be a beacon for everybody for freedom around the world.

Thank you all very much. God bless you.

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