Why I Am Leaving the Denver Broncos

(Tim Tebow sits, alone in a dark room somewhere in the bowels of the Denver Broncos’ Dove Valley complex, typing on a laptop.)

He reads aloud:
“By Timothy R. Tebow

Today is my last day with the Denver Broncos Football Club. After three full years — having given up my youth and loaned the organization my exceptional ball-carrying skill — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can say that the atmosphere is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, John Elway is a poo poo head and likes every other quarterback more than he likes me. That’s not fair; I love Jesus, and I love the Lord. So what if I can’t throw a timing route? So what if I get nervous and soil myself in the pocket? I should be the starter, because the God-fearing people of Denver like ME best. Think you’re going to sell as many jerseys with that fetushead under center? No way. I’ve got muscles and a scruffy apostle beard and kung-fu grip. He’s got a receding hairline and is a total jerky jerk for trying to take my job in the first place.

Mr. Elway has made his choice quite clear. So, as of right now, I’m resigning my post as Quartered Back of the Denver Broncos.”

/printing press flies open

Peyton Manning: “Where is that monk-lookin’ keeid? Ah need ‘im to git mah playbook and bring it to me and show me all the crap he did so I can avoid that at all costs. Dangol’ rugby playin’ so and so. Hey! There you are! C’mere!”

TT: “AH!”

/spin move

//wets self

PM: “Ah ain’t gonna hurt ya, boy! Jus’ want you tuh git mah playbook for me. And mah slippers. And an ahhced tea. And maybe drahv to Chipotlee fer me and bah me a burrito.”

TT: “Mr. Manning, I can’t do those things for you, because I’ve just resigned as a Bronco employee.”

PM: “Oh, no no no. No you haven’t. Tim, have a seat.”

/Tebow sits

PM: “You see, Tim, I’ve been waiting my whole career to switch teams and come play for another team. And now that I’ve chosen Denver and spurned that crazy ol’ such and such in Tennessee, you’re gonna be my bitch. Not only are you not leavin’, I told that ol’ horseface Elway that if he trades you, I’m retirin’. On the dang’ol spot.”

TT: “But WHY? WHY would you do that? Are you just here to torture me?”

PM: “Naw, Tim. Now don’t be paranoid. Just because I’m gonna end up torturin’ you doesn’t mean it’s the only reason Ah came here. Ah came here to win football games, throw spirals for touchdowns and probably lose in the playoffs. That’s what Ah do.”

TT: “Why would you want to do that here? I am already winning football games! All by myself! Without any help from anybody! At least, that’s what Woody Paige keeps texting me to say. See, look.”

/shows Peyton his phone

TT: “See? ‘Tim, you are so handsome and lovely. Please drop by for a personal, one-on-one interview with me tonight. I’m in room 220. I want to talk to you about why you’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me. <3, HardWood.'”

PM: “That… is kinda messed up. Y’all got some kind of hide the Alpo going on?”

TT: “No sir! We’re just good friends! He tells me how wonderful I am, I take my shirt off so he can wax my chest, and then he writes a column about my virtues as a real, live Quarterback.”

PM: “… But you’re not a real quarterback.”

TT: “I  know! But I had all these people in Denver fleeced thanks to my squeaky clean image and my /airquotes ‘love’ of Jesus. They’d let me perform surgery right now. Morons.”

PM: “If they’re such idiots, why do you want to resign? You’ve got a pretty good grift going here.”

TT: “Because I have to start all over somewhere else. Sure, I can fleece any fanbase with my niceguyisms, but I’ve already put in so much work here. Plus, those crazies down in the Springs at Focus on the Family are completely off the reservation when it comes to me. It’s kind of a drag that you’re going to ruin that. I mean, those people will do ANYTHING I say, and all I have to do is kneel on the sidelines for the cameras. Very simple people.”

PM: “Nobody’s ruining anything for you. Stay. Be mah bitch boy. I’ll teach you things yer daddy shoulda taught you when you were 8.”

TT: “Like how to love Jesus?”

PM: “Don’t be a retard. No, of course not. How to throw a fuckin’ football, boy. How to get endorsements for shit other than underwear and crappy energy drinks. How to be a quarterback instead of a fullback.”

/door flies open

John Elway: “What are you two idiots doing?”

TT: “I’m resigning.”

JE: (laughs) “No. No you’re not. See, I run this little organization, and you’re staying. Peyton needs his slippers fetched. I already bought him a Chipotle. Now come’ere.”

/Gives Tebow a noogie

JE: “That’s right, bitch boy. You’d better cancel your next date with Woody. I brought the dog sled but I forgot the dogs. You’re going to pull me home.”

TT: “I hate this place. Lord, why have you forsaken me?”

/cloud flies open

God: “Tim. I have forsaken you because you are a terrible quarterback and you keep bringing my name up. Knock it off. It is MY name, and I like to use it myself, occasionally.”

TT: “Oh.”

JE: “You want some Chipotle, God? I got one for you.”

TT: “YOU know God?”

JE: “Hell yeah! Peyton and I both know God. God bestows grace upon you when you learn to throw a fucking spiral. You’ve got three years to learn from two of the best in the history of the game. You should put your studying boots on and grab your clipboard-holding pants. That’s all you’ll be doing for a while.”


  1. Marshon Darshon says:

    Fire. Straight Blogging Fire

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