How Not to Pander to Rednecks, by Mittens Romney

Oh Happy Wednesday, sluts!

The Ongoing Embarrassment to America, a/k/a the 2012 Grand Old Party presidential nomination battle, became yet more interesting as the presumptive nominee Willard Mittens “Mitt” Romney failed once again to establish a commanding lead over candidates who would not have stood a chance in San Francisco hell of getting the nod had all of the strongest potential challengers not decided to sit this one out to avoid being absolutely crushed by the Kenyan Prime Minister B. HUSSEIN Obama and his Reserve Army of Unemployed Brown People.

The #Santorum always rises to the top, but only Allah and His Prophet know what’s on the bottom of the putrid, disease-infested cesspool otherwise known as the collective intelligence of the GOPee voters of Alabama and Mississippi, the two most conservative and (not coincidentally) impoverished states in the Union. 

Cardinal Rick now has a narrow but clear path to the nomination. Should he and the remaining non-Mittens candidates manage to prevent Senor Romney from collecting the 1,144 delegates needed to win the nomination, the Senator for Babies “R” Us© could stake a claim to be the only viable conservative option, for real and for true you guys.

Should that come to pass, Santorum will be beaten in perhaps the most one-sided general election contest for thirty years. In a sane world, this would be the end of the Xtian protofascist control over the Republican Party. Howevah, in this world the christfuckers will rise again, like Zombie Jesus on Easter.

Mittens Romney’s apologists flooded the Beltway Insider media echo chamber last night to spin his latest failures. “Derrka derr, it was an away game for Romney”, “he won delegates in the Deep South”, etc., prefabricated talking points, etc.

Will it still be an “away game” in November, when Mittens loses half of the unreconstructed South to a Kenyan Soshulist Hitler? As this fine web site has discussed before, Herr Romney will say and do more than you can possibly imagine to get your vote. HowEVAH, if one must pander, one should at least do it well. Guantes Romnero’s newfound love for local delicacies like “y’all”, “ain’t”, cheesy grits, and catfish probably cost him votes, and asking the lead singer of Alabama to sing Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”… for seriously?

Licking his wounds, presumably with fried okra and Tabasco sauce, erstwhile carpetbagger Mitt Romney fled the Confederacy late last night in favor of  his fortified Yankee stronghold, eschewing conciliatory speeches in favor of trying to raise more (stolen) money from his increasingly exasperated investment banking / private equity clients supporters.

By the way, if you don’t follow @MexicanMitt on Twitter, you are a flaming pile of fail. ¡Ajua!

Smarmy snake-oil salesman Newt Gingrich must surely now be at the end of his silly Libertee &  Freedumb Book Tour, having lost in his own back yard to a sweater vest-wearing Pennsylvanian and only barely defeating a Taxachusetts Librul, both of whom worship The Wrong Jesus.

Newtie’s “campaign” has been tragicomic since its inception (tragic for America, comic relief for yours truly), but the writing was well and truly on the wall when Newt began to promise to bring back $2.50 gasoline for the petrochemical junkies of Real America. The voters of Alabama and Mississippi will evidently believe almost any proposition that supports their latent superstition and racism, but campaigning to magically reduce the price of a globally traded commodity controlled by a cartel of shady Muslins strained even the bounds of their credulity.

(Incidentally, a Gingrich presidency almost certainly would lead to sharply lower oil prices because Newtie’s economic “leadership” would cause the Third Great Depression, the end.)

Ron Paul received a handful of votes from college kids in Tuscaloosa and Oxford, for doobies and freedom.



  1. […] the BeeBeeCee still beams its World Service to benighted corners of the earth (like Mississippi), another venerable member of Her Majesty’s press is stepping up its coverage of the American […]

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