Stupor Tuesday: The Miss Congeniality Contest for Non-Sluts

Oh Super Tuesday is finally here, praise be to Allah and his prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him). Today we get a teeny tiny little taste of what a rational primary system would be like, i.e. a single nationwide event. How will the Faux News devotees of Alaska, Georgia, Idaho, Massachusetts, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma!, Tennessee, Virginia and Vermont cast their ballots?

Probably by marking an “X” next to the series of incomprehensible letters that stands for Mitt Romney, according to their fancy homosexual literate city cousins, while holding their breath (by closing their mouths).

Sometimes life deals you a shit sandwich. You must eat the sandwich, and no matter how much bread there is it’s still a shit sandwich.

Cracker America has its choice of four shit sandwiches today: one made with artisan bread and the highest quality shit, one imported from 16th century Spain, one deep-fried and smothered in hickory barbecue sauce, and one that you can only buy with gold and silver coins.

WHO YA GOT?

Willard Mittens “Mitt” Romney – Mitt Romney is a Messican Anchor Baby, but for some reason the flaming nativist wingnutz of Real America have not yet demanded that he present his long form Guadalajaran birth certificate (the real one, not the fraudulent facsimile they keep at the Michigan Department of Health) or self-deport. HmMmMm I wonder why this is. Why would those lovers of libertee and the Korrect Interpretation of the fourteenth amendment be all “meh” about Mittens when they were so perturbed by B. HUSSEIN Obama?

Oh, because of racism.

Señor Romney appears to be in good shape heading into today’s Celebration of Democracee. It was starting to look as if Santorum would bubble up to the top in the important state of Ohio, but then Cardinal Ratzinger Rick bravely poured forth with a stance on birth control opposed by 99% of Americans (whores!) and 98% of American Catholics (heresy! whores!!). As Ricky Perry once said: “Oops”.

Look for Mittens to win in Ohio, possibly Tennessee, Taxachusetts, Virginia (the Brezhnev primary!), and Vermont.

Rick Santorum (R – The Vatican) – Oh deary me, it’s all gone pear-shaped for Ricky and the Junior Anti-Sex League. After snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in Michigan and Washington, Santorum only looks likely to win in Oklahoma (note to Oklahoma: you’re evicted from the Union) and possibly Tennessee and there will be real questions as to whether his Quixotic Qrusade for Qhrist will be able to continue to April 3, where he looks a good bet to win Wisconsin.

Given that Mr. Santorum’s chief domestic policy prescription is “Make Moar Babiez” and his entire foreign policy is best described as “Kill Brown People”, the termination of his campaign is probably A Good Thing.

Newton Leroy McPherson – Fat fuck blowhard Newt Gingrich looks set for victory in his ancestral homeland, the great state of Georgia. This makes me want to recreate Sherman’s March to the Sea. Newtie might win in Alabama and Mississippi as well, if he lasts that long, but so what? The Civil War is over, and the bums lost.

Ron Paul – By the end of the evening Doctor Paul will be elected President of Alaska, and then all Ron Paul supporters will be quarantined in Alaska, and then Alaska will be sold back to Vladimir Putin for a signed, framed photograph of Maria Sharapova’s legs, the end.

Satan (The Ultimate Dark Horse) – Could this be the end, my friends? Satan’s coming ’round the bend and is growing stronger every day, feeding on the hatred and the fear and the loathing and the flavin. Do you doubt the power of Our Black Overlord? Ha ha ha, you silly Christian sheep. The Evil One will blaspheme the blood of Christ on the altar of hedonism while doing certain seXXXay things to your daughters that I won’t describe because this is a family-friendly website.

But for serious, Satan’s best shot is to cause confusion and hand-wringing among the electorate and then use his famous bargaining skillz to rise victorious at a brokered convention in hellish Tampa, Florida and set up Armageddon against the forces of secularism a/k/a the Kenyan Prime Minister Barry Obama.

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