Previewing the Arizona and Michigan GOP Student Council Elections

The editors of this influential periodical treat the democratic process with all of the respect that it deserves. Which is to say, very little. Apparently the low-information voters of the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan are headed to the polls to-day to choose the man who will bravely offer himself up as cannon fodder to the unstoppable force that is the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama.


Mittens (Arizona: 98.1%; Michigan: 57.1%) – Oh what a sad, sad man is Guillardo Guantes “Mitt” Romnero. His legendary tin ear for his own casual references to wealth has not subsided even a little bit, and his advance team is terrible. Even if Mittens Romney braves this storm and secures enough delegates for the nomination, his campaign finances will have been ravaged to the point that That Muslin Hitler Barry Obama will deliver the coup de grâce with a mere fraction of the $1.0 billion he and his Super PACs have raised in the name of Soshulism.

The dream scenario for your correspondent and comedians throughout the Anglophone world is that Mittens falls a few votes short of the number needed to secure the nomination and that we have a brokered convention for the first time since John Quincy Adams secured the Whig Party nomination in a smoke-filled backroom deal with Napoleon and the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire. Hey, Rick #Santorum makes shit up all the time, why can’t I?

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of (Santo)rum (Arizona: 1.8%; Michigan: 42.6%) –  Your correspondent had his fingers and toes crossed praying to Thor and His Hammer that the silly christofascist Rick Santorum might eke out a victory in Michigan, Land of the Romneys, and send Mittens’s woeful campaign into even more of a tailspin than it is in already.

Howevah, as things stand right now Mr. Santorum appears to have blown it. Whoever is responsible for keeping Ricky on message really sucks at their job, because the Senator for Playskool© just cannot keep his fucking mouth shut when an opportunity to bloviate on social issues presents itself. There is nothing to be gained from saying that abortion is worse than rape, or that the notion of a firewall between church and state makes you want to vomit.

I want this pathetic shit-show of a primary campaign to last as long as possible, for freedom and comic relief, but the latest  flavor of the month for drooling Gee Ohh Pee hacktivists is screwing it all up :( :( :( Puking Santorum? Is that like 2 Girls 1 Cup? Thanks for the imagery, Cardinal Rick.

Your correspondent hopes Mr. Santorum can regain some discipline in his messaging and stay focused on relatively uncontroversial statements, like his claim that high gasoline prices caused the 2008 mortgage meltdown, ha ha. Apparently the Grand Inquisitor has a sense of humor!

The Georgia Dough Boy (Arizona: 0.1%; Michigan: 0.1%) – Newton’s pitiful book tour should end here. The Chick-Fil-A® Endowed Chair of Secessionist History has no money, no support, and no organization. Newtie was quoted recently as saying that Mittens ought to just drop out of the race if he can’t win Michigan. That is probably true, but then where does that put Newt? Despite not being capable of empathy, your correspondent feels bad for Callista.

Ron Paul (Arizona: 0.0%; Michigan: 0.2%) – Sorry, I fell asleep for a minute there.

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