COCKPUNCH EXCLUSIVE: Satan Responds to Rick Santorum

[Note: The editors of this venerated journalistic enterprise are excited to present to you this exclusive editorial from The Man Himself, the prince of darkness.]

Fellow Americans, good morning. Satan here.

Listen, we all know that accuracy, rationality, and ethics fly out the window during campaign season and it’s tough not to get caught up in it, especially if you are passionate about doing what’s right for America, as I am.

Like you, I am saddened by the tone of the 2012 GOP primary and how the level of the intellectual discourse leaves so much to be desired.

Like you, I yearn for the good old days when you could have a spirited debate with your neighbor about what was right for America without losing sight of your shared values and traditions, like lynching minorities. 

Friends, a lot of things have been said about me in the last four years and I think it’s time that I set the record straight.

Firstly, Barry Obama is not one of my minions. Let me be clear: I do not outsource my work to Muslims.

A few years ago, Rick Santorum claimed that I had my sights set on America and was actively trying to bring about its destruction. I ignored these assertions at the time because I did not feel the need to dignify the rantings of an irrelevant, washed up politician with a response.

Now that Mr. Santorum is (somehow) among the front-runners for a shot at getting creamed in the general election by Barry Obama, these comments have resurfaced and he has not backed away from them. My fellow Americans, this is just another example of dirty, irresponsible sensationalism invading our public discourse. Consider the source of the statements you hear about me. Rick Santorum is a tool of an organization that has misrepresented my record through the cynical politics of fear for two thousand years; at this point, why would you believe anything the National Man-Boy Love Association Catholic Church and Rick Santorum say about me?

I have heard the clarion call of the millions and millions of disaffected Gee Oh Pee voters longing for a palatable candidate to defeat that Kenyan Soshulist. Mittens Romney clearly isn’t getting it done for you, and Rick Santorum is under the impression that he’s running to be the Pope of Real America. My fellow Americans, I believe in Keyser Söze, and the only thing that scares me is Newt Gingrich.

First and foremost, America needs a leader who will not insult the intelligence of its people. That is why I am announcing today that I, Satan, am entering into the GOP primary race. While I am the Dark Overlord of Hell (and no one is perfect by the way), I am clearly the only candidate strong enough to push back against the Obamanista hordes who are trying to change America into a modern, secular nation. Well, fuck that. You say you want Obama out of office, and it’s time for you to put your money where your mouth is.

Vote for Beelzebub in 2012.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Satan (The Ultimate Dark Horse) – Could this be the end, my friends? Satan’s coming ’round the bend and is growing stronger every day, feeding on the hatred and the fear and the loathing and the flavin. Do you doubt the power of Our Black Overlord? Ha ha ha, you silly Christian sheep. The Evil One will blaspheme the blood of Christ on the altar of hedonism while doing certain seXXXay things to your daughters that I won’t describe because this is a family-friendly website. […]

  2. […] And of course, there’s always the chance that Luck doesn’t make it as a pro and sends the Indianapolis faithful to cry in their Steak & Shake every week, this editorial board’s favored outcome. But it’s not going to come to that, because Cloud God hates this site and its editors (though Satan seems to be enjoying himself). […]

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