Something, Something, SANTORUM

OH HOLY frothy mixture of CRAP, blood, lube, and man-paste you guys!

Just when everyone (including your faithful correspondent) thought that the Mexican Space Lizard W. Mittens Romney had the GOP nomination all but wrapped up, the Senator for the National Man-Boy Love Association Vatican, Rick #Santorum, just had to go and make things interesting again. UGH, THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!

Rick Santorum is not an intelligent man but he is cunning, and that may be just what Amerika needs after four years of ivory ebony tower academic intellectual elite godless secular rationality occupying Das Whitehaus. Short on cash and librul media attention, Mr. Santorum’s campaign de-emphasized Florida and jumped ahead to Minnesota, Missour-ah, and Colorado to organize the drooling automatons of the “values” community into lean, mean, caucusing machines. It was a brilliant strategy to grab the spotlight and, if Mr. Santorum prays even longer and harder than he does to be cured of TEH GAY, could even procure some sorely needed fundraising dollars.

Your correspondent wonders what to make of this. As all of last night’s votes were basically glorified straw polls that don’t guarantee Mr. Santorum any actual delegates to this year’s Gee Ohh Pee Furry Orgy/Convention in wonderful Tampa, Florida, it remains to be seen whether he will be able to translate last night’s wins into a lasting challenge for the right to be utterly slaughtered by Barry Obama in the general election.

HOWEVAH, if #Santorum and his cheesy brand of bedroom authoritarian cuntservatism somehow win over the hearts and defective minds of Real America, your correspondent will not be taking chances. Unlike most of you hapless serfs, I am a dual citizen and can straight up just move to Europe tomorrow, no questions asked, no visas, no work permits. If Rick Santorum finds a way to win the GOP nod, I will be smoking fortified hashish and watching Ajax play at the impressive Amsterdam Arena before inauguration day.

In such a situation, I will want to take one desperate lucky American girl as my wife, so that we can continue the American Race long after the United States are destroyed from within by theocratic fascism. Laydees, I will be taking auditions relatively soon; you can send your essays and measurements to publius1981 at gmail dot com.

In the meantime, here’s your rundown of last evening’s voting, caucuses (snicker), fear, loathing, and recriminations, for the glory of Allah and his prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him):

Minnesota – Minnesota is a magical place of lakes and nordic women, a fairy tale for little white children to help them  temporarily stop thinking about how they’ve inherited the most poisoned chalice in the history of ever, i.e. America in decline. This was a rout for Santorum with three times as many votes in the straw poll than Mittens, who couldn’t even beat Ron Paul.

Missouri – Oh what, because they had some stupid non-binding straw poll you think I will stoop so low as to recognize Missour-ah on this fine weblog? WELL THINK AGAIN, FUCKO!

Colorado – Last night, your correspondent and his teammates on the formidable Denver Revolution Soccerball Squadron achieved a glorious 3-0 victoree over some rag-tag gaggle of asshats, a far more productive use of time and nonrenewable resources than spending the evening with Denver County Republicans, if they even exist. Yesterday morning the certified geniuses at Intrade had Mittens as a 98% lock to win the caucuses in Colorful Colorado™; I’m now starting to wonder whether I shouldn’t cash out my meager, globally diversified investments and just relieve Intraders of their hard-earned drug money.

We now look forward to the Maine caucuses on Saturday, February 11, except not really because it’s merely a caucus and no one gives a shit about Maine anyway because it’s just Canada by another name and Canada is a myth. The next meaningful primaries will be the Hate State (Arizona) and Michigan on Tuesday, February 28 and your dutiful correspondent will be at the ready, liveblogging the death of the American Dream.

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