Previewing the 2012 Colorado GOP Grassroots Circle Jerk, Brought to You by Bain Capital®

When your correspondent was but a young lass of fourteen growing up in the overbuilt swamp known as Warshington, DeeCee, a curious thing happened: Congress, then and now a cancer on the Amerikan Dream, stripped the duly elected mayor and city council of most of their powers and installed a financial control board to basically run things until the people of the Dirrrrty District demonstrated to Congress’s satisfaction that they were fit to govern themselves.

By that point, the District’s credit rating was junk and approximately every resident of the city was a municipal employee. Being taken over by a sovereign authority is about the most embarrassing thing that could happen to a local government and its constituents, and it happens more than people realize. Ask the voters of Harrisburg, PA, Central Falls, RI, Detroit, MI, or soon, Greece. I saw a (D) behind the names of the people who had driven Our Nation’s Kapital into the ditch, so by the power of adolescent logic it was therefore settled that I, your faithful correspondent, was to carry Excalibur. THAT IS WHY I AM YOUR KING! was to be a Republican.

Fast forward about sixteen years, and the disillusionment has made me come full circle. I have been a registered Republican, unaffiliated, and Democratic voter depending on who pissed me off the most in the last election cycle.  A few weeks ago, for shits and giggles your intrepid correspondent changed his registration back to (R) to fuck with people at today’s Colorado Gee Ohh Pee caucuses.

Ha ha, I said cauc.

A primer on the caucus process: Caucuses are a laughable, thoroughly outdated method for political parties to select who will appear on the primary ballot later in the campaign cycle by pretending to engage the “grassroots” in a manner convincing enough that it temporarily distracts them from the unassailable fact that we live in a kapitalist dictatorship.

Registered voters in each party meet at designated locations according to their precincts, which in your correspondent’s part of town are only a few blocks square. For example, I live in the Fighting 531st Precinct, containing the State Capitol at the edge of downtown Denver and a few blocks to the south and east. I very well might be the only registered GOP voter in the precinct.

At caucuses, the useful idiots who are otherwise ignored and shat upon for the remainder of the election cycle get to elect delegates amongst themselves to attend the county convention later in the spring, who then choose delegates to attend the state convention, where they then vote for which candidates get the privilege of appearing on the party’s primary ballot, as if the nomination won’t already be sewn up for the illegul Mexican Touch of Gray™ hair model W. Mittens Romney by then. Democracy!

I was set on attending the caucuses down at the architecturally impressive South High School until I realized that my indoor soccer game conflicted with the time. WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO? If I play teh soccers, I run the risk of getting punched in the face by a diminutive Asian man with anger management issues. If I attend the caucuses and sit though the painfully sincere speeches by low-level party hacks about the existential danger posed by soshulist Obamneycare, I may become permanently more stupid than I am already.

I choose soccer.

In the meantime I will spare you the pain of having to attend this or any other forthcoming caucus, and will deliver the speeches you would have heard for each candidate if their volunteer hacks were actually telling the truth.

Willard Mittens (Mitt) Romney (98.5%) – You should vote for Mittens because he is the only candidate left who has even the slightest chance to dethrone the Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama and re-paint the White House white. Mittens will say absolutely anything, anything you can possibly imagine and more, to get you to vote for him so you shouldn’t pay much attention to anything he’s said in the past, in this campaign, or in the general election campaign to come. Just know that Mittens was born on first base, stole second and third base while no-one was looking, and thought he hit a triple. He enthusiastically partook in the “destruction” side of “creative destruction”, and then was a popular, effective moderate governor of Taxachusetts. Above all else, Mittens has waited his turn, and that’s what it’s all about.

Everyone else in ‘Merica is starting to resign themselves to a Romney nomination so why don’t you just get this over with and vote for Mittens too, you annoying non-conformists.

Newton Leroy McPherson, Lieutenant General of the Army of the Confederate States of AmeriKKKa (0.0%) – Newtie is the only viable True Conservative© left in the race, if by “true conservative” you mean someone who proposes to colonize the moon at a cost of trillions of dollars when the United States faces a structural budget deficit of $1.0 trillion per year, declining infrastructure back on earth, a reserve army of unemployed hobos, an unsustainable military empire, and an incarcerated population greater in numbers than Stalin’s gulag. Newt has IDEAS, and who cares if you, y’know, need to get along with 535 members of Congress and con them into voting for your proposals (at which Newtie failed so spectacularly when he was actually a member of that august body)?

Rick #Santorum (0.0%)Vote for Rick Santorum! Because abortion is worse than rape, you guys.

Ron Paul (0.0%)Oh dude I am so baked right now. I can’t believe I’m up here on stage trying to talk these bitter old racists into sending me to the county convention. God I’m so hungry. I’m totally going to hit up Snarf’s after this, bro.

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