Handicapping the 2012 Miss Teen Intellectually Handicapped Florida Talent Show

Happy Monday, you no-talent ass clowns. Tomorrow, the Republican Party’s long, slow death march makes a stop in Florida, a state where even the relatively intelligent voters can’t fill out a ballot properly.


Willard Mittens Romney (93.0%) – Mitt Romney is a bourgeois fabrication, like the American Dream™ and Jesus. There are evidently still plenty of people who believe in the latter, so your correspondent should perhaps be less surprised that Real America is closing ranks behind the former.

Newtie Gingrich (4.0%) – Earlier this week, Newton’s Magical Mystery Book Tour went out trolling for support in Brevard County, a relatively deprived part of Florida once known as the Space Coast back when ‘Merica faked the moon landing at a sound stage at Universal Studios.

So, boys and gurlz, what outlandish nonsense might Herr Gingrich have said to win votes from this particular leech on the largesse of the federal gubmint? 

If you said “build a new Space Shuttle”, that would have been logical and more than a bit cynical, and also completely off the mark because it’s just not possible to go dollar-for-dollar with Newtie on “ideas”. No no, rather than saying something sensible like “go move to North Dakota and work in the oil fields, welfare queens!”, the former Speaker of the Haus claimed that he would build a colony on the moon by the end of his second term in office, causing observers everywhere to laugh at the absurdity of the thought of a second term for Newt Gingrich.

On second thought, if Newt Gingrich somehow manages to grift his way to the Gee Oh Pee nomination, and then conspires to defeat the formidable Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama and his Reserve Zulu Army of the Unemployed, we will need a space colony henceforth and forthwith. 

#Santorum (0.0%) – The Senator for Gerber’s® took a day off campaigning to be with his ill 3-year old daughter Bella at hospital. Not missing an opportunity to blow a dog whistle at his drooling, christfucking supporters, Mr. Santorum hailed her “miraculous turnaround” from a touch of pneumonia and announced his intentions to return to his doomed vanity campaign as soon as possible, for libertee and freedumb.

In the meantime, Mr. Santorum handed the reins of his campaign to some Reality TeeVee family that has nineteen (!) children to highlight the centerpieces of his campaign, namely that sexxxytime is only for procreative purposes and America faces a dangerous shortfall of unwanted and uneducated little people.

Despite having a cold, dead heart and no soul at all, your filthy soshulist correspondent would not wish Trisomy 18 even on the family of the vaguely creepy Rick Santorum, who is famous for thinking longer and harder about gay sex than anyone in America today. Having a frothy mixture of unappetizing bodily fluids for a father is punishment enough for any conceivable Original Sin, and being born with a crippling genetic defect just adds injury to insult.

Will all of this lead Mr. Santorum to finally try to tackle the problem of Theodicy? DOUBTFUL.

Ron Paul (0.0%) – Yeah.

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