This Week in Trolling, Brought to You by Thalidomide®

It’s time for the second installment of the long-running Daily Dickpunch exclusive known as This Week in Trolling, where we celebrate the people who thrive on treating Americans like morons.

When notified by his aides that Doug Lamborn (R-Colorado) would not be attending the State of the Union, Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama reportedly replied “Lulz, who the fuck is Doug Lamborn?”

A very good question indeed, you tricksy little hobbitses. If you happen to live near the godforsaken hellhole that is Colorado Springs, I present your representative for the Fighting Fifth Congressional District. Ha ha, sucks to be you!

Mr. Lamborn is known for having among the most partisan voting records in the modern history of Congress, earning a 100% legislative scorecard from the Union of Concerned Theocrats and making him by far the least interesting member of the House of Representatives. He ascended to the seat formerly held by 10-term representative Joel Hefley, the well respected former chairman of the House Ethics Committee who oversaw investigations of legendary nutballs like Jim Traficant and Tom DeLay. Oh, how CD-5 has fallen.

If Mr. Lamborn was merely an idiot, he would have STFU after clumsily using a racial epithet to describe Barry Obama’s role in the debt ceiling negotiations but no, the congressman is clearly striving to be the DeeCee Troll of the Year.

The 2012 Denver Nuggets are quietly becoming an elite NBA team without a big-name player, standing conventional wisdom on its ear and providing a refreshing alternative to the starfuckers in Miami, Los Angeles, and New York. 

After jettisoning overrated headcases Carmelo Anthony, Kenyon Martin, and J.R. Smith, your correspondent thought this might be a long (short) season for the Nuggets. HowEVAH, the Nugs showed improvement immediately after shipping Mr. Anthony off to Penn Station and have continued to excel this season. Their 12-5 record so far is good for third best in the league and second in the Western Conference; it’s only a matter of time before George Karl starts wearing a hoodie, grumbling incomprehensibly, and holding the rest of the league beneath his contempt like a certain someone…

OH HEY, Bill Belichick! The greatest trick Coach Belichick ever pulled was convincing the world that the New England Patriots couldn’t play defense. We have all come to expect the Greatriots to issue misleading pre-game injury reports, but fielding an under-strength defense for the entire season just to trick their playoff opponents is the hallmark of Real Men of (Troll) Genius.

Elsewhere in the broadcast of the Bawlmer-New England game, retired former Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe wore his own jersey on the sideline of the Patriots game and gave a big hug to his bro Tom Brady, the bro that took his job, bro. That reminds me of the time I saw David Corn in the Cosi at 6th & C streets in the Penn Quarter, intently reading his own book. What an asshole.

The producers of the CBS telecast of the Ravens-Greatriots game insult America’s intelligence every week with asinine low-brow dialogue, laughable “analysis”, and the loudest suits around. However, by interviewing the vaguely creepy E-Trade baby live on national teevee, CBS earns the vaunted Troll of the Week honor and signals the death of western civilization.

Chris Hayes, Melissa Harris-Perry, Eliot Spitzer, and David Stockman were all having a lovely chat about campaign finance reform on Up with Chris Hayes on MSNBCCCP on Sundee before everyone shut their brains off to watch six hours of playoff football, eat 4,000 calories of bar food, drink eight beers and then start shooting Jagermeister (Das Krauterliquer!) whilst wondering why all the pretty girls weren’t paying them any attention.

Oh, that was just me.

ANYWAY, your correspondent was becoming increasingly despondent watching Up with Chris Hayes because the host and his guests (especially Governor Spitzer) were all prattling on, being type-A douchenozzles and not letting the smart, beautiful, and talented Catherine Rampell (pictured), New York Times economics correspondent and certified Nerd Goddess, get a word in edgewise.

I watched for what seemed like an eternity (ten minutes) while finishing up my bitchin’ cardio workout on the elliptical at the Downtown YMCA, waiting for the lovely Catherine to speak. It never happened, and that made me a sad panda. Thass okay though. She will be mine, and I mean that in the least stalker-ish way.

Oh yes, she will be mine.

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