Handicapping the 2012 South Carolina Sons of the Confederacy Grits-eating Contest

Down with the Eagle, and Up with the Cross!

Hooray hooray, for it is Fri-day, and tomorrow the enlightened voters of the least enthusiastic member of our United States get to weigh in on which man deserves to embarrass America’s allies and embolden her enemies.

WHO’S GONNA WIN? I don’t know or care, and neither should you! But we will still take the piss out of all of them, because we hate freedom.

Newtie (61.5%) – There’s nothing that unreconstructed country crackers love more than one of their own, and that bodes very well indeed for old Newton Leroy McPherson, a highly paid “history consultant” to the corrupt, federally subsidized mortgage lenders that are more than a little bit responsible for ‘Merica’s Great Housing Fetish, a perversion of the American Dream™ and arguably the greatest misallocation of resources in the history of human civilization.

No amount of cynical DeeCee string pulling, eager climate change press conferences with devil incarnate Nancy Pelosi, or support for the tenets of soshulist Obamacare is apparently enough to diminish the secessionistas’ enthusiasm for a fellow good ol’ boy, especially when the alternative is a Taxachusetts Librul who believes in the wrong Jesus. THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!

W. Mittens Romney (36.0%) – Since GOP primary voters are all idiots who don’t do as they’re told, it is increasingly apparent that Mittens will have to fight on through Super Tuesday to wrap up the nomination. Once all the geriatric olds and raving teabaggers understand that Mr. Romney has waited very patiently in line for his turn to be crushed by Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama in the general election, surely they will come around and learn to love Mittens like Winston Smith loves Big Brother. Amiright?? It’s just rude to vote for Newtie or Santorum or especially Ron Paul; who do these people think they are?

Ron Paul (0.3%) – UGH. It would be really nice if there was a candidate somewhere who had the courage to publicly say that the failed war on drugs should never have been fought in the first place, and that we can’t survive as a free society if we’re constantly waging war, but that also wasn’t Ron Paul. In a moment of chemically clouded judgment, your correspondent professed for all the (facebook) world to see that he would be caucusing for Dr. Paul in the great state of Colorado. It was because of this video, which still takes my breath away every time I watch it:

Ending prohibition and empire is important enough to me that I was willing, for a time, to overlook Dr. Paul’s heresies on many issues where the libertarian policy prescription is clear. It’s unsatisfactory to dismiss Dr. Paul’s departures from big-L Liberal orthodoxy on issues like reproductive choice and a laissez-faire immigration policy because, unlike the major American political parties that have no permanent ideology, libertarianism does. It’s a self-contained, internally consistent set of policies that do not work as intended if there is any major deviation from the path, and Ron Paul is most definitely a deviation from the path.

Rick #Santorum (0.2%) – It will be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missour-ah, and an even colder day before your correspondent confirms or denies the existence of Santorum. Yucky!

Buddy Roemer (0.0%) – Clearly the best candidate, so obviously he has no chance in hell of winning more than a few hundred protest votes. #Roementum!

Rick Perry (negative infinity%) – Rick Perry is the reason America can’t have nice things.

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Comments

  1. Hitler's Cock says:

    Toby Keith just took a giant dump.

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