This Week in Trolling, Brought to You by Valtrex®

They see me trollin’. They hatin’.

You may have noticed that the publishers of this esteemed journalistic venture observe all federal holidays, the occasional powder day, and sick days, because we are lazy soshulists.

But now we’re back, and if you think the elimination of Tim Tebow and the rest of the Denver Tebows from playoff contention leaves us with nothing intelligent to say, you’re spot on. But that never stopped Newton Gingrich and it won’t stop the cockpunching either, for Libertee and Freedom™.

Today we begin an exciting weekly feature known henceforth as This Week in Trolling, a compendium of the week’s highlights from people who piss on your shoes and tell you it’s raining. Off we go!

Not ten seconds into his post-game postmortem, Tim Tebow found an opportunity to thank his imaginary Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, a total non-sequitur which elevates Mr. Tebow’s status to Troll Genius. Though his raw athleticism, strength, and will to win are not in doubt, the young Broncos fullback quarterback must now work very hard in the off-season on certain aspects of his game, such as:

  • throwing mechanics;
  • pass selection;
  • reading defenses and making necessary adjustments; and
  • staring down defensive backs to prevent them jumping his pass routes

if he intends to have anything more than a novelty career in the National Foosball League. Oh, and it would also be helpful if Young Master Thiébaut read Matthew 6:5-6, for he is paid to throw and run for touchdowns, not to be a tacky walking infomercial for Christ.

Tom Brady was not impressed with this Tebow business and wanted to remind everyone how an archetypal NFL quarterback plays. The San Mateo Dreamboat threw for a ludicrous six touchdowns and 363 yards, completing 26 of 34 attempts, doing most of the damage in the first half, and earning a quarterback rating of approximately eleventy billion. Mr. Brady later cut short his post-game interview to go skateboarding with Gisele in his Uggs and designer board shorts, presumably leaving his children to the diligent attention of a hired brown person. Later bros!

Rick Perry made everyone in the live and teevee audiences for the South Carolina Republican Primary debate dumber than they were already, if that is even possible, by alleging that the government of the nation of Turkey is controlled by Islamic terrrrrrrists and should therefore be booted out of NATO and have their foreign aid “go to zero”. Here we were, thinking that Turkey is a secular, strategic ally of the United States (far more so than is Israel, by the way) that sent troops to Afghanistan, bankrolled the overthrow of Colonel Gadhafi, is actively finding a diplomatic solution to Iran’s latest belligerence, and is a relatively wealthy nation that does not need humanitarian aid from America but no. Thank God that Ricky Perry is here to disabuse us of such silly “facts”.

I swear, every time Rick Perry opens his mouth an angel gets raped by Bevo.

The Turkish Foreign Ministry, not comprehending the free-form comedy act that is the Republican Party, had to acknowledge and therefore legitimize the existence of Rick Perry (which is more than the voters of Iowa and New Hampshire did) by responding to his laughably false musings on “foreign policy”.

We strongly condemn the unfounded and inappropriate allegations expressed yesterday evening about our country during a debate held in South Carolina by Texas Governor Rick Perry, who is running for [the] Republican Nomination for the 2012 U.S. Presidential Election.

Those individuals who are candidates for positions requiring responsibility such as the U.S. Presidency are expected to be more knowledgeable on global affairs and more careful in their statements. [emphasis added]

Turkey became a member of NATO when the Governor was just two years old. It is a member which contributed significantly to the Transatlantic Alliance’s history of braving many challenges and it will continue to do so. Turkey has also been among the front line countries in the fight against terrorism. Turkey is co-chairing with the U.S. the Global Counterterrrorism Forum. Our leaders are respected political figures whose opinions are highly valued not only in the U.S. but also in our region and throughout the world.

In any case, the weak support that Mr. Perry received at the opinion polls and the primaries has revealed that his unfortunate views are not shared by the Republican Party grassroots. 

This reflects the commonsense of the U.S. electorate. The U.S. has no time to lose with such candidates who do not even know America’s Allies. [emphasis added]

Use a dick Turkey, Jeez!

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