Oh Michele, We Hardly Knew Ye

In a cruel blow to comedy writers throughout the Anglophonic world, Michele Bachmann, the congresswoman from Minnesota, suspended her campaign for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination yesterday morning after a poor showing at the first-in-the-nation Iowa caucuses. Ms. Bachmann finished last of the six candidates contesting the caucuses and failed to win even a plurality of votes in any of Iowa’s 99 counties despite having a closer personal connection to the state than any of her opponents.

Ms. Bachmann could not be reached for comment after she was roundly beaten by the smartest man in the Republic of Texas, a philandering, unreconstructed cracker professor of revisionist history, a prolific 70-year old polemicist for stone-age monetary policy, a spokesman for the National Man-Boy Love Association Catholic Church, and a pioneer of soshulized medicine.

The congresswoman, who entered the race after being convinced to do so by her imaginary friend, God, will now presumably focus her formidable mental energies on retaining her seat in Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District. By suspending her campaign, Ms. Bachmann leaves behind a gaggle of disillusioned supporters, some misspelled home-made signs about the evils of Obamacare, and her husband Marcus’ aspirations to be First Lady; however, she will retain the ability to raise funds to retire any outstanding campaign debts generated over the course of her quixotic vanity crusade to bring christofascism to America.

The editors of this fine publication want to do our part to honor Ms. Bachmann’s historic campaign. Therefore, we give to our faithful readership #Bachmann2012 and encourage you to send her off into the northern sunset with a Twitter® roasting worthy of her disdain for the intelligence of the American people.

Let’s roll™:

  • “#Bachmann2012: Let’s Get This Over With”
  • “#Bachmann2012: Because We’re Sick of Waiting for Judgment Day”
  • “#Bachmann2012: Guarantees We’ll Never Have a Black President Again”
  • “#Bachmann2012: Because I’ve Always Wanted to Move to Europe”
  • “#Bachmann2012: Fuck It”
  • “#Bachmann2012: Because I’m Short the Entire S&P 500”
  • “#Bachmann2012: The Mayans Didn’t Abruptly Halt their Calendar Just Because They Were Lazy”
  • “#Bachmann2012: Because She’ll Take Her Strap-on to the Special Interests”
  • “#Bachmann2012: England Gets to Have a Queen, Why Can’t We?” #MarcusBachmann
  • “#Bachmann2012: Because Nuclear Holy War Would Be Great for My Defense Stocks”
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