Can Everyone Calm Down Now?

The Not Ready For Prime Time Player

So Tim Tebow, he of much faith and bicep and scruff, reeled off six straight victories at the expense of struggling and just flat-out bad teams, resulting in overstatements and overshares, glowing articles and glowing praises, comparisons to Jesus, God, and John Elway, who might as well be both.

There were folks claiming, absurdly, that Tebow’s miracle run could include a trip to  the Super Bowl and, “dag gum, it’d be hard to say they wouldn’t win it.” I mean, we’ve got Tebow.

Well, at the end of the day, we still have Tebow. But they still have Tom Brady. And the difference between the two of them was night and day. Look no further than the scoreboard: New England 41, Denver 23. In other words, not even close.

[Read more…]

How Tebow Popped My Cherry: Confessions of a Virgin Fan


I hate football.

Actually, that’s not true. Football’s right up there with all the other pro-sports. I hate that I don’t GET it. I don’t get the appeal. I don’t get how people feel such passionate affinity for a pro-team that’s made up of players who have no ties to a city or the fans, aside from a grotesquely massive paycheck. I don’t get why Denver rioted when the Avalanche won the Stanley Cup the first year the city scalped them off the Canadians. I remember watching the “celebrations” from the safety of my family’s living room while the Denver fan-herd just couldn’t help but bust out the jazz-hands (I wish) while climbing lampposts, lighting trash cans on fire and tipping cars over in Larimer Square. Real classy. I can just imagine the conversations that followed:

“Son, why’d you tip that car over?”

“Your honor, I…I was just so happy those Canadians-pretending-to-be-Coloradans went and won a big shiny mug for us! I mean, I’ve been an Aves fan for, gosh, 4 months now! It’s in my BLOOD! We finally have something to taunt BOSTON with! I just couldn’t contain my glee! I plead crazy.” (Jazz hands!)

See? I don’t get it. Which is probably why I’m writing for The Daily Dickpunch. I have no idea why I’m writing for The Daily Dickpunch. Maybe it’s exactly because I have very little to say about either politics or sports. It’s just not my territory. The boys already have that covered, and covered well.

However, I am a huge fan of Broncos’ Quarterback Tim Tebow, but not because he’s all up in his Jesus and not because he seems to be pulling miraculous wins from his hunky shoulder pads garnished with rugged facial scruff. (Okay, that may have something to do with it). It’s because there’s something far more interesting going on.  [Read more…]

The Hangover: Magic Ends in Huntsville

Montana at Sam Houston State - FCS Playoffs
Where can I begin?

I’m an absolute shell after watching that game last night. The much maligned (by me) “Tixis speed” is a real thing, evidenced by Tim Flanders run for nearly 200 yards… in the first half.

In the second, the Grizzly defense came alive with the offense and they almost pulled out a miraculous comeback. A comeback that fell three points short.

There’s plenty of blame to go around. It seemed in the first half that the Griz were surprised by the BearKats’ propensity to run the ball, which is odd because that’s pretty much all they’ve done. There were lanes wide enough to drive a truck through, and Tim Flanders was all too happy to comply. Tackling was poor — not Montana State poor, but poor — and the Kats ran out to a 21 point lead to start the game.

As I always tell my friends when they’re asking for advice, don’t spot the number one team in the country 21 points and expect to win the game.

At halftime, it was 28-14 (following another SHSU touchdown and a brilliant pick six from Montana linebacker Caleb McSurdy, one of the stars for the Griz). Still a game, in other words, but not much of one.

I’d be curious to know what happened in the Griz locker room at halftime (does that stadium even have locker rooms?), because Montana simply came alive in the second half. Suddenly, on defense, those lanes that were open were shuttered and locked, keeping Flanders from going off and allowing only 3 points from the Sam Houston offense. And that came only after Montana fumbled at its own seven yard line.

It was like watching a different team.

They ran. They passed. They kicked. They held on to the ball. And they scored.

But they also fell short.

It’s hard to say I’ve been prouder of a Grizzly team after a loss than I am this one.

The good news is, there’s a lot of talent on this team. Coach Pflu has this team believing, and as sophomores become juniors (like quarterback Jordan Johnson) and juniors become seniors (like Dan Moore and Peter Nguyen), this team will have a new class of leadership that remembers this game for what it was… and what it could have been.

Halftime: lol wut?

WTF.

Know all that shit I was talking about how Montana wouldn’t tackle as poorly as Montana State did last week? Forget it. All of it.

How does this team not prepare for Sam Houston and not work on tackling? You know they’re going to run, and you outsize them by hundreds of pounds… Yet they’re finding Texas sized holes all over the place. Absurd.

Hope Pflugrad figures something out, because this game is still winnable. I can’t believe it, but thanks to Caleb McSurdy, all things are possible.

Defending Josh McDaniels (Kinda): One Year Later

Josh McDaniels
You won’t get many arguments that Josh McDaniels’ tenure in Denver was anything but an abysmal mess. But part of being a fan is having to look back and see the entire situation with clear eyes once the dust settles, and various other clichés.

Josh McDaniels dismantled a team thought by many to be “on the brink” of a breakout season, a playoff berth, and perhaps a run at the Super Bowl. He sent numerous starters packing, most notably Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Peyton Hillis and Tony Scheffler.  In return for a lion’s share of draft picks, sufficient to rebuild any team, McDaniels piled on the Bronco faithful with horrific draft day decisions.  Most asinine was his decision to trade his 2010 first round pick (which ultimately turned into the impact safety Earl Thomas) to the Seattle Seahawks to pick Alphonso Smith in the second round of the 2009 draft, who was then traded (after one season!) to the Detroit Lions for one Dan Gronkowski.  Not to be confused with the other more successful Gronkowski (Rob) who just broke the receiving record for touchdowns by a tight end, Dan Gronkowski is unemployed right now. Knowshon Moreno is a complete bust, and the rest of the 2009 class (with the notable exception of defensive end Robert Ayers) doesn’t even play for the Broncos anymore.

Needless to say, McHoodie’s blunders were epic. Not 4-foot powder day epic mind you, but Bernie Bickerstaff epic.

As I sat watching the Broncos pull out yet another improbable victory and listened to the banal chorus of team unity yet again: “putting the whole before the individual”, “believing in one another”, etc., I couldn’t help but think back to McDaniels and the culture he publicly sought for the Denver Broncos.  The talents of the four key players shipped off are immense, but so are the flaws: [Read more…]

Kidding Yourself Can Be Fun

Griz Look to Knock Off No. 1… Again


As it turns out, this is the second time the Montana Grizzlies football team will take on the top ranked team in the country, on the road, in front of a hostile crowd. (Montana @ Sam Houston State, Friday, 8pm ET, ESPN) Just a few weeks ago Montana took on Montana State in Bozeman in a game MSU was heavily favored to win. The Griz performed the football equivalent of knocking in the door to their house, leaving a growler in the toilet and kicking their Cat in a 36-10 blowout that wasn’t even really that close.

Sam Houston State’s Bearkats pose a unique challenge to the Grizzlies, with their famed “Tixis Speed” which we’ve heard is different from regular speed because Freedom™. But among the things Tixis-dwelling Bearkat fans overlook or ignore — aside from casual racism, of course — is that Montana’s got some speedy players of their own. And while SHSU fans brag about their 1-0 record against Montana in their home “stadium” at Bowers Field, the fact is that these guys don’t have the big game experience to compete with the visiting Grizzlies.

[Read more…]

From X’s and O’s to Press and Egos: The Evolution of the NFL Head Coach


I don’t think Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry or Bum Phillips ever cared what the press said.

Something tells me that if a player’s ego got too big, George Allen or George Halas would sit him. He wouldn’t have a single person to whom he would have to answer.

But those were the old days. The days when a coach was actually in charge of the players on the team, and not the other way around. This was before the 24 hour news cycle, sports blogs (hey, that’s us!), fans with demands and all the other nonsense that surrounds an NFL team in the modern era. Truth is, I probably wouldn’t trade it for the old days — the modern game is more exciting, more accessible than ever — but it occurred to me last night while watching that awful Rams/Seahawks game that being a coach now is less like being a coach and more like being… something else.

[Read more…]

How to Help (Mere Mortal) Tim Tebow Succeed in the NFL

[Editor’s note: We are henceforth cutting down our coverage of Tim Tebow because we at least like to pretend we are writers and not just whores for page views. We will definitely respond to Tebow-related articles that insult their readers’ intelligence, like this turd from ABC News. It should also be noted that Colorado’s newspaper of record, The Denver Post, does not have this editorial discipline because there are no less than seven (7) frothy articles on Tebow Christ on the front page of their website. It’s like they’re bankrupt and desperate for page views or something.]


As Kenyan Prime Minister Barack Hussein Obama is known to say: “let me be clear”. I enjoy watching Tim Tebow play football. I very much like the fact that his unusual abilities don’t fit squarely into any position that currently exists in the overly structured, cookie-cutter National Football League.

In fact, and I have argued this for years, I think professional football would be a vastly better game for fans with more than three neurons if the league made two rule changes, each of which would suit Herr Tebow very nicely indeed:

  1. Allow NFL teams to set their own field widths (within reasonable guardrails); and
  2. Allow NFL teams to set the width of the hashmarks (within reasonable guardrails).

[Read more…]

QuickHits – Black Monday Arrives for Haley, Sparano

Come At Me, BRO!

Bad day to be a hot seat coach in the NFL, apparently, as both douchebag Todd Haley and wanna-be Miami gangster Tony Sparano were told to walk their respective planks. Haley’s statement above, in-picture.

Neither man will be without employment for long. Haley is rumored to be the first choice of the Arizona State Sun Devils to try and breathe life into that pathetic program.

Sparano will likely go back to being a lowly assistant coach (Tight Ends; include your Sandusky jokes in the comments, please) and mustache model, as well as wearing long sleeved tee shirts with suit pants.

Interview outfit.

%d bloggers like this: