Manchester United’s No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

David De Gea: ¡Ay dios mio señor Rooni! ¡No puedo creer que estemos eliminando de la Liga de Campeones!

Wayne Rooney: Wha?

De Gea: Oh lo siento señor. I cannot behleev we loast to F.C. Bahssel on Wenssday-ee.

Rooney: Ah can, ye skinny twat ye. Youse ah fookhin’ terrible, me nan can play goalkeepeh betteh than tha’!

De Gea: ¿Qué?

Rooney: Ah nyew I shoulda meooved to Man Citeh when ah had the chance. You lot are uhtterly fookhin’ contemptible.

De Gea: Buéno, esa es una gran palabra por un neandertal…

Rooney: Ah yoo takin’ the piss, then? With yer fahncy fookhin’ ess-spahn-yoal? Would yoo lahk me to teach you a lesson about how we expressss ahselves on the mean streehts of Livehpeoowl? As yoo may be awehr, I cum from a long lahn of boxehs; yoo have no chance ye ahnorexic Ah-beer-ian bastad…

/starts pounding his palm with his fist

De Gea: ¿Eh? No I-ee theenk there hass been a mees-coah-moo-nee-kayee-shoan. Soa-ree…

/looks away

De Gea, beneath his breath: I can speak four languages (including your own) better than you can speak one, you balding little troglodyte. ¿Or is that even English at all? You sound like someone inserted a sex toy into your sinus cavity. This is so degrading. ¿To think, I have to dumb myself down just to converse with these imbeciles in their native tongue and play stupid to avoid setting off their notoriously short Celtic fuses? ¡They are even more insufferable than the Basques! ¿How on earth did we lose the Armada at the hands of these cabrones?

Rooney: THAH’S IT, YOAH’RE A DEAD MAHN!

/De Gea extends his palm onto Rooney’s hair extensions, keeping him safely at distance as Rooney swings wildly with haymakers

Rooney: No fair no fair NO FAIR! Ye fookhin’ cheet! Tapas-eating bastad! Fight lahk a mahn!

/piping hot cup of tea flies at Rooney’s head at 100 miles per hour and explodes, scalding De Gea’s hand and melting Rooney’s hair plugs

Rooney: Ouch!

De Gea: ¡Ayeee!

Sir Alex Ferguson: AHND JEST WHAT THE FOOK DO YE THINK YE ARE DOING, YE WEE SHITE?

Rooney: Buh’ Day-vid stahted it!!1! He was cawlin’ me naymes in tha’ terrible pygmy dialect he yous-es, ah know ih’!

De Gea: Don Señor Alex, there hass been a mees-coah-moo-nee-kayee-shoan…

Ferguson: SHUT YER GOBS, BOTH OF YE! AH CANNAE BELIEVE AH HAVE TO ACT AS YER FOOKIN BEHBYSITTAR! YE ARE GROWN MEN, AT LEEST PHYSICALLY! FARST WEE GET DUMPED OUT OF THE CHAHMPIONS LEEG AT THE HAHNDS OF A SHOWER OF SWISS BASTARDS, AHND NOW MAH PLEY-ARRS ARE QUARRELING FOR NO GOOD FOOKING REAZON. KEEP THES UP, YE TWATS, AND AH WILL HAVE YE TRAINING WITH MICHAEL OWEN AHND THE OTHER DEAD WOOD.

De Gea: ¿¿The fuck did I do??

Ferguson: HWHAT THE FOOK DID YE JUST SAY? DO YE HAVE A DEATH WESH?

De Gea: No señor, es nada. No entiendo inglés, perdoneme por favor Meester Fehrguson pero

Ferguson: THAT’S *SIR* TO YOU, YE FAUX-HAWKED CUNT YE!

De Gea: Lo siento… eh… ¡LOOK OVER THERE, EET’S WESLEY SNEIJDER HERE TO SOALVE OW-ER MEEDFIELD PROABLEMS!

/runs back to Atletico Madrid

Ferguson: WHERE?! AH CANNAE SEE HIM YE SOFT MEDETERRANEAN GASH!

/looks around

Ferguson: Ehh.. Wehne, hwhere did Dehvid go?

Rooney: Ah don’t care.

Ferguson: THAT ES NAE AN AHNSWER, YE IMPUDENT SCOUSE GET. SO HELP ME GOD AH WILL CUT YE INTO LETTLE PIECES, FEED YE INTO MAH WOOD CHIPPER, AND TERN YE INTO FOOKING FEHRTILAIZEHR FOR MAH LOVELEH BACK GAHRDEN, AHND IH’ TIZ LOVELEH BAH THE WEH. DO NOAT THENK FOR A FOOKING MOA-MENT THAT THES ES AN AIDLE THRAYT, FOR ET ES NOAT. HWHAI DO YE THENK NO ONE HAS SEEN OR HEHRD FROAM DIMITAR BERBATOV SINCE MAY? DO NOT TEHST ME, YE HAIR-WEAVED MAHN-CHILD. I WOULD HEYTE TO TERN YER SEHVERAL ILLEGITIMEHT CHELDREN ENTO FOOKING ORPHAHNS BUT AH WILL DO ET.

/rented 1988 Lincoln Town Car stretch limousine in laughably poor condition drives onto the practice field

//door flies open, falls off

Joel Glazer: Ahoy-hoy, Manchester Red Soccerball Devils!

Ferguson: MAH HEAD IS BEGENNENG TO HURT. AH NORMALLY LAY OFF THE HWHISKY UNTIL AFTER BREAKFAST BUT AH CAN JUST TEYLL THESS ES GOING TO BEE ONE OF THOSE DEYS. HWHAT ON EARTH DO YE WANT,  YE HIDEOUS YANKEE GRIFTER?

Glazer: Well Alex… forgive me, Sir Alex. May I call you Al?

Ferguson: Nae.

Glazer: Al, we have an issue. See, we were sorta counting on you guys making it to the knockout phase of the Champions League. As you know, those later stages generate a lot of matchday and TV income for the club. We were counting on that revenue… we need that revenue.

Ferguson: YE UGLY, ANNOYING TERD. AH WILL MELT YE IN STRONG ACID AND SEND YER REMAINS TO YER CROOKED BANKRUPT FATHER IF YE EVER CALL ME EHNYTHING OTHER THAN SIR ALEX EVER AGAIN, EVEN EN YER SLEEP. THAT’S RIGHT, AH WATCH OVER YE IN YER SLEEP LIKE EDWARD CULLEN WATCHES OVER BELLA SWAN IN THE FERST TWILIGHT NOVEL, EXCEYPT ENSTEAD OF WANTING TO FOOK YE, AH WANT TO KILL YE.

Glazer: That’s terrific. I love your enthusiasm.

Rooney: You read the Twilight novels Sir? LOLz!

Ferguson: Wehne, another werd from ye and ah will burn down yer house weth ye and yer parents, gerlfriend, cheldren, mestresses, and proastitutes all enside et. Are we clear?

/Rooney nods head.

Ferguson: BACK TO YE JOEL, YE TAMPA BAY SUCKANEER. SO HWHAT DO YE ENTEND TO DO ABOUT THES LOSS OF ENCOME?

Glazer: Well we’ve crunched some numbers and we’re going to have to sell about £30 million worth of players in the January transfer window instead of buying Wesley Sneijder as we discussed before. I was hoping to sit down and strategize which players to let go. Manchester City is paying good money right now and I think it’d be foolish of us to pass up that opportunity.

Ferguson: Joel, over mah dead bodeh well we sell pley-arrs, espehcially to the fooking noisy neighbours.

Glazer: That’s great. I enjoy your passion for this proud soccerball franchise. Wayne, how do you like the thought of playing in sky blue?

Comments

  1. Why do American’s always look as ridiculous and idiotic as we sound? Is it the suit? I think it’s the suit. And the goofball smile. The pissed off aloof crowd across the pond is always so much more…distinguished? hm. *reviewing dialogue* No. Definitely not. I’m moving to Spain. Nice script though, Bunk. Way to take a piss.

    • Cindy, hey gurl hey!

      Well, Joel Glazer is a profoundly unattractive man, which isn’t his fault, he gets it from his slimy father Malcolm.

      They are deplorable, if the credit markets seize up again they could run into some serious balance sheet issues. For that reason, I almost want it to happen despite the collateral damage :)

Trackbacks

  1. […] Alex Ferguson was a troll, but really he’s just a genius. Don’t make Sir angry though. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Share this:EmailFacebookTwitterPinterestLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. Filed Under: […]

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