A Slightly Unhinged Member of the One Percent Responds to the Occupiers

J. Daniel Bateman, QC
Private Secretary & Legislative Liaison
By Appointment to HRH the Duke of Lancaster
Royal Crescent
Bath BA1
United Kingdom

12th November 2011

The Ninety-nine Percent
Zuccotti Park
Liberty Street, The Financial District
New York 10006
United States

Dear Libtards,

Let’s be clear about a few things:

1.) I will not apologize for playing the tax laws like a fiddle on behalf of my clients. Look people, now that I’m in my mid-twenties I’ve been around long enough to grow cynical about representative democracy, especially at the federal level in presidential systems. If you were paid to think critically about political processes (which reflect the sophistication of the electorate perfectly) you too would eventually want to see fools and their money parted by whatever means necessary. In democracy you get what you collectively deserve and no better. Sorry, that’s just a fact.

2.) I could have financed my J.D. from my trust but took the responsible step of liquidating the fund Father bankrolled for me to learn the ropes of short selling. Of course, either of these options would have been more adult than snorting my college education off the ass of a nubile stripper like the ovular droppings of the nouveau riche. I even paid capital gains taxes, the horror!

3.) I am not one of those truly rich people, the heirs and heiresses of obscure autonomous alpine enclaves who turn their inbred fucking aristocratic noses up at those of us born sufficiently low as to require playing the annoyingly quaint meritocracy game against the best of what you plebeians can muster. It’s humiliating. It’s not fair. Face it: I have more in common with you than I do with them.

4.) It shames me to say this but my parents, to punish me, refused my entreaties to be sent to college at Eton with my chums from Saint Alban’s. My college preparatory school in Newport even had day students, can you imagine? At least this made for cheap entertainment: they really don’t like being reproached for questioning their superiors! I remain bitter at Mother and Father; this sentence far outweighed my youthful indiscretions.

Besides, humanity is a cancer and you know it. I was merely delivering a dose of chemotherapy.

Make of this what you will. I’m just bored and waiting for Skynet® to deliver the coup de grâce.

I am the 99.9th percentile, you fucking peasants. May you all die in a chemical fire.

Yours in Christ,

Dan Bateman xoxo

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